Here we go again. I’ve been setting the stage for some deep introspection all day and for some reason, I have lost it all in the here and now. Perhaps it’s fitting because the theme of this year’s today is change. And my infamous forgetfulness has now changed the rest of what you’ll be reading.

I’ve been morphing into this different person these last few years (I blame my blasted teeth for being the catalyst that started it all.) I began really seeing its effects these last few months; a change in personality, priorities, and attitude. I really didn’t like what I’ve become. So, for a while, I thought hey, let’s just shut down and reboot. Cut all the non-essentials out for a spell. I discovered life has a way of not letting you do that. It also has a way of tricking the mind into doing the easiest thing, which, of course, is not necessarily the best thing for you.

In the past whenever I got too self-–indulgent, too despondent, or too self-reproaching, I would check myself. Literally. In to a wall. Hockey style. It wasn’t pretty. Then, I would write a blog, smile, and go about my cheerful way. I think somewhere down the line I forgot this and that fed into a series of pushing aside my introspective body checks. Then, suddenly, I was hit with the sense of discontinuity. This is illustrated well in how many blogs I’ve posted this last year compared to years past. I blame my photo project, while fascinating in many regards, I feel it was detrimental to my writings and ironically left little time for self-reflection.

Not too long ago I had the thought, Dean is a happy guy. And smiled. More because I thought of myself in the third person and then the silly grin grew even bigger because I knew instantly I would mention it here. There have been many elements in the past year that were life-altering and unfortunately went without close inspection. I feel this had a terrible drain on my psyche. Taking the time to audit your life is something that must take priority once in a while or you’ll become a melancholiac drifter watching the sparks of passion slowly flow out of your soul until you are left an unsentimental, miserable shell of a person. And nobody wants that.

So, now that I’ve discovered my defective metronome was secretly slowing with every click, I have once again cranked that sucker back up to supersonic. If there is anything I could say that gets me up in the morning… it. is. passion. And not just for blueberries. It’s passion for life, for new experiences, for what is yet to come. Passion, coupled with a little hope on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace drinking a cup of change with a few silly little marshmallows thrown in for good measure. That’s what I’m getting back to. The 20th is inauguration day. And as cliché and cheesy as it seems, I feel that Obama’s running on CHANGE and HOPE is a mirror to my own inner struggle with humanity and my itsy-bitsy place in it.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson


Current mood: optimistic
Currently listening: Hail to the Thief by Radiohead


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