Here we go again. I’ve been setting the stage for some deep introspection all day and for some reason, I have lost it all in the here and now. Perhaps it’s fitting because the theme of this year’s today is change. And my infamous forgetfulness has now changed the rest of what you’ll be reading.
I’ve been morphing into this different person these last few years (I blame my blasted teeth for being the catalyst that started it all.) I began really seeing its effects these last few months; a change in personality, priorities, and attitude. I really didn’t like what I’ve become. So, for a while, I thought hey, let’s just shut down and reboot. Cut all the non-essentials out for a spell. I discovered life has a way of not letting you do that. It also has a way of tricking the mind into doing the easiest thing, which, of course, is not necessarily the best thing for you.
In the past whenever I got too self-indulgent, too despondent, or too self-reproaching, I would check myself. Literally. In to a wall. Hockey style. It wasn’t pretty. Then, I would write a blog, smile, and go about my cheerful way. I think somewhere down the line I forgot this and that fed into a series of pushing aside my introspective body checks. Then, suddenly, I was hit with the sense of discontinuity. This is illustrated well in how many blogs I’ve posted this last year compared to years past. I blame my photo project, while fascinating in many regards, I feel it was detrimental to my writings and ironically left little time for self-reflection.
Not too long ago I had the thought, Dean is a happy guy. And smiled. More because I thought of myself in the third person and then the silly grin grew even bigger because I knew instantly I would mention it here. There have been many elements in the past year that were life-altering and unfortunately went without close inspection. I feel this had a terrible drain on my psyche. Taking the time to audit your life is something that must take priority once in a while or you’ll become a melancholiac drifter watching the sparks of passion slowly flow out of your soul until you are left an unsentimental, miserable shell of a person. And nobody wants that.
So, now that I’ve discovered my defective metronome was secretly slowing with every click, I have once again cranked that sucker back up to supersonic. If there is anything I could say that gets me up in the morning… it. is. passion. And not just for blueberries. It’s passion for life, for new experiences, for what is yet to come. Passion, coupled with a little hope on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace drinking a cup of change with a few silly little marshmallows thrown in for good measure. That’s what I’m getting back to. The 20th is inauguration day. And as cliché and cheesy as it seems, I feel that Obama’s running on CHANGE and HOPE is a mirror to my own inner struggle with humanity and my itsy-bitsy place in it.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Current mood: optimistic
Currently listening: Hail to the Thief by Radiohead
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I am commenting because there is so much i dislike about this blog. And much i like too!….First, the voyeuristic side of me begs for more details regarding your life altering experiences. How can i know what brought you to this point without any stinking details?….Secondly, i really do not like this line: “I really didnt like what Ive become.” Now i know i have written and said the same thing in the past but guess what?! I’ve been very introspective as of late as well and i have decided i have great respect and yes, even like what i became all throughout my life. Even during the crazy years. And i mean crazy in the literal and figurative sense! Now, my belief is that we are constantly changing during our lives, every day a new part of us is unleashed into the world. Maybe the changes are so minute that nobody may notice them but the change is there none the less. Your experiences, environment, people around you, EVERYTHING molds you into who you are that day…thus, no day is ever the same because you always add something new and exciting to it! Now, I don’t know what/where/who made you become someone you thought you didn’t like but that happened for a reason- i wish i could use some real life examples but i am so in the dark to your life that i can’t – your behavior, thoughts, and feelings were all a direct cause of something that was happening and my belief is that we have to be that way for a reason. Maybe i had to go crazy to realize life was worth living. Maybe i had to shut someone out to realize that friends were worth having. Every part of me that ever existed is someone i like because it helped me become who i am today and the changes i enacted to myself were in actuality my learning more of life’s lesson, not making me a better person…..Whoa. Wait. Not to say that i don’t think i am a better person but really, who is to say that we have to be better? Why can’t who i am today be perfect, who i was last year be perfect, who i was five years ago be perfect, etc etc etc. More and more i find myself believing that who you are on any given day is the perfect person for that day, because you have to react and be a certain way in order to allow something else to happen…..Now you say that every so often we have to check ourself. Check ourself for what? What is so wrong with being self-indulgent from time to time, or self-reproaching, or whatever you want to be. Sometimes you have to be something you might feel is negative in order to experience something wholly- and why is it so negative? Because we have been taught that it is. And honestly, why does anything have to fit into a certain way of thinking? I hate that because of my age, or that i have kids, or etc etc that i am not “supposed” to feel certain things, or think certain things, or act a certain way- why not? It is who i am and part of who i will be. ….Oh my gosh. I have so much more to write but my comment will be longer than your blog so i will stop.
Good thoughts. I’d write more but I am in the middle of frantically packing. So, suffice it to say tha I am glad you have done your introspective work and that you have found passion again!
“inner struggle with humanity”….Here’s a very real, and perhaps therapeutic question:..Has humanity changed dramatically during the course of ‘civilized’ human history or are we just perceiving humanity differently through our uber-active technological lenses?
Hmmmm…deep. Were you thinking about all of this while eating the healthy pasta? Oh, and I like your Emerson quote. Mind if I steal it?