I am not single. That seems a bizarre thing to write here.
My yearly project is to reconnect with friends. To go on outings with them. In a way, date them. It is ironic then that the only thing on my mind as I write this is—when and how my relationship might end.
We met the day before Halloween. We connected quickly. I had my doubts early, but she was fun and energetic. She fell for me in a few weeks. And I too was quickly enamored with her. She was bubbly, jubilicious. Early on I told her that it was fine she believed in fairies, angels, god, and the such. This was a lie, maybe not a lie, but I think I convinced myself it wasn’t important when I knew better. I chose to ignore it in the face of someone I saw a future with. I was selfish. Unfair. I just wanted a shot at happiness, it had been so long. So I compromised some of my values to have it. I also thought, arrogantly, that maybe I could persuade her, she seemed open-minded even at her most stubborn.
Within the first month, she met my family and I met hers (and had Thanksgiving with them). We told each other that we loved each other, I meant it. It was still a blooming love, but love nonetheless. I was excited about a future with her. We took a lovely trip to San Diego. There were talked of living together, having a family. We moved quickly. Perhaps too quickly. Once we were settled in as a couple, I found she occasionally would get upset over something I had (or had not) said or done. We weren’t speaking the same language. It was grating. Many times getting upset because I didn’t conform to her ideal scenario. I felt lost and attacked more and more. I felt my words were not being interpreted correctly, and that she felt the same.
We had some great times. We are compatible in almost every way. She’s fun. Energetic. Playful. Loves comics. Plays DnD. But then there is the fact she doesn’t love science. Or even seem to like it or have any interest in it. Nor philosophy. Nor politics. She hasn’t seen many films, nor can seem to stay awake through any we attempt to watch together. Not that any of these are huge, but when I envision a future with a life-long partner with who I cannot share these things with…it seems…hollow.
Last Sunday night we had a conversation, and her stubbornness won out. I spoke of my skepticism, my love of rational thought, science-based belief systems. I came clean with my thought on fairies, angels, god, and the such. I rallied and gave her my best explanation for why this is a great way to see the word. She fought back with magic, wonder, and woo. I eventually told her that if she couldn’t see with this way of thinking, see the world rationally, that we might not work out. Wow. Just writing those words. I come across as a selfish, arrogant asshole.
She’s 28. Beautiful. Would make an amazing mother. And I couldn’t imagine a more doting and loving wife. She loves me deeply and dearly. She has made me laugh, come out of my shell, and made me happy.
I find myself already envying the man she’ll end up with.