I write this from Holladay, Utah.

I’m couch surfing with my friend Joseph. We are driving across the country to Pittsburgh and then I’m headed solo to NYC for the first time. I’ll chat more about this in my 365 entry at the end of the year.

My priority recently is dating. And turning 39 stung, as I’m really for the first time feeling like my age, and this number like my body…feels old.

So, this time last year, I wasn’t happy. The relationship I was in eventually ended. She, like a few before, believed I was giving up on us too soon. I cannot fully disagree. But I have to trust myself or go mad buried under an avalanche of regret.

I wished to remain friends, I felt she was an awesome, beautiful woman, and did not want to lose her from my life. But I hurt her, and so she turned bitter and spiteful. I was privy to a small bit of the online trash-talking that occurred. She knew how to hurt me back. Still, I made efforts to be friends. And almost a year later, we are! She even paypal’ed me money to buy me a drink on my trip. She is a super thoughtful lady. And I love her. She’s moved on to dating a shared acquaintance. Not sure if it’s a good thing. But she seems happy and that’s all I want for her.

The rest of the year was filled with a lot of fantastic times and close encounters of the relationship kind. But I was never fully abducted. In fact, rejection was the ship I was on most of this year, sometimes with me at the helm, other times not. It all weighs heavily. And as I attempt to bear it, I understand that this is how the world works. How people work. Know that it is undoubtedly in my future.

But all that aside, I am on this wonderfully amazing trip right now. Where anything can happen. Free from my house prison. Excited to see how it all turns out, the experiences, conversations, potential new friends, and whatever else that will emerge. It feels all too much like…living. 🙂