How does one know they are getting older. How does one know they are an adult. How does time play tricks on us. What does it mean when we say that this year went by so fast or I cant believe it’s been ten years. Time is inescapable. Elusive.
This morning, as I was eating brunch with friends, my grandma died. As I was designing my business card this afternoon I found out about it. She was the special grandparent to me, we shared much in common including a birthday exactly 50 years apart, we were both artists and stubborn in our ways. I saw myself in her, she was just as much a part of me as I of her. Even though she lived halfway across the country and our visits were sparse, I feel a bit lost and alone now that she is gone. Like my world just became a little darker and a little smaller.
I now have no grandparents left. This fact, along with becoming an uncle, has me officially slipping into adulthood to become the middle generation that paves the way for the next. Seeing and marveling over my friend’s and sister’s babies isn’t just because they are unlawfully cute and drooly, but I see their future and it amazes me. I see myself dying and I see these babies carrying on. This gives me comfort and my hope in the future is strengthened.
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
—Oscar Wilde
Current mood: sad
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My condolences.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I know how difficult a time this must be, as I have lost both of my grandmothers in the past two years. Wish I was there to give you a big hug! Let me know if you need anything.
thank you for writing that, cause i couldn’t find the words.
i’m sorry. i hope you still like pancakes and don’t blame them…they’re still in my fridge. gross. i know. life is undeniably weird, dean. we learn to hold on to it cause it’s all we know, until we can’t anymore. i hope your world can stretch back, like taffy. (i always reference food. it’s a problem, i know) i hug you now…… i can’t find a smiley icon that gives hugs…stupid lame insufficient programs…
To say sorry just doesn’t seem to be enough. Reading your post however, brings me back to when my special grandma died a few years ago, with me by her side. I feel exactly the same way you do, that we had a special connection and now a part of me will never be the same. I honestly feel like she was the only person in the whole world that truly “got” me and loved me unconditionally. It seems like nothing I can say to you will be sufficient, but it always helps me to think that now she’s in a better place where we can have an even more special relationship than before. Remind me to give you a hug the next time I see you.