critical mass

Shots fired. Sides taken. The war has begun.
The first casualties of this lifelong mêlée have taken their toll.
My enemy: Time. Age. Myself.

I saw my youth slowly fade from my reflection this weekend. Although, if I had been looking closer I would have seen it long ago, this feeling of getting old creeping up from nowhere and settling in my bones. It began simply, yet suddenly. I felt strangely uneasy all last week physically and mentally; I felt lost, unsharpened, and out of focus. Yet, I carried on in my normal way; a way I’ve traveled many times before, yet this time I found myself in foreign territory. By Friday I was sick unlike I have ever been before. Not virus sick, but “body not right” sick. My whole body ached, massive headaches plagued me, and tightness in my chest made every breath painful. These warning shots would playfully come and go at their own discretion. I felt like shit. Then the tremors began.

Eyelid tremors. They have an unearthly appetite for concentration.

I call them “tremors,” as it sounds kind of psycho to have a “twitch,” or worse, a “spasm.” Nobody likes spasms. “Tremors” just sounds cooler. I must say their annoyance factor defies all reason! Remember someone constantly flicking your ear? Or holding you down and tapping on your forehead? Something perhaps a little painful and massively annoying? yeah…multiply that by a billion. It’s like all the caffeine I had ever drank went directly to my eyelid and it has taken it upon itself to throw a dance party in my honor. And as if I wasn’t going crazy before, this was surely putting me on the fast track to owning my own little white coat wherein I get to hug myself all day long. Sadly, I deserve every second of it.

Myokymia is, according to online doctors, “a common condition where a few of the muscle fibers of the upper — or more commonly the lower — eyelid contract irregularly. Myokymia is closely associated with stress, fatigue, lack of sleep, and too much caffeine.

Online doctors say that myokymia is associated with “brainstem neoplasms,” which sounds even cooler than “tremors.” “Brainstem neoplasms” is bound to get people at the office to pay attention when I talk about my problem. But then, the treatment for that includes a “lumbar puncture with an examination of cerebrospinal fluid,” so maybe it’s best not to milk this neoplasm idea too far. Especially for a stupid eyelid twitch.

So, I guess it’s time for a change.
As some of you know, ever since school ended in May, I’ve been obsessed with working my ass off, staying up till the wee hours, and running myself into the ground using caffeine as a crutch. On top of that, my eating habits are worse than ever. In these last few months, I feel my life has been set into overdrive with so many changes and so many things going on. But, I was sure I had a handle on it, I always had before. It’s only recently that I’ve started feeling overwhelmed and tired, but I thought I could just battle through it. It’s strange; I’ve always had the will, energy, and gumption to handle all the going-on’s in my life. It’s been the one thing I’ve come to always count on. But, there is always the first to die in war. So, whether I want to admit it to myself or not, my body seems fed up with the way I’m living. It has fired this first shot, warning me of things to come if I don’t make some changes.

So, it’s with a heartfelt sigh, I say au revoir to coffee and its hitchhiker friend caffeine. Our short romance, I will treasure always. And along with that, getting to sleep before 1am might be on the agenda as well. Buying that elusive cookbook now seems like a desperate act. Also, a massage seems quite overdue; I’m still not used to sitting for nine to ten hours at a time, as a result, my back feels crooked and wrong.

And so, now begins a new dean.

Current mood: *twitch*
Currently listening: Chet Baker Sings by Chet Baker