thirty

Do you ever find yourself nostalgic for moments as you live them?

Age, experience, memory are my burdens, my blessings. My thoughts sometimes have a way of escaping time and avoiding reality in order to travel across vast distances where they find themselves cold, alone, outside themselves, looking wondrously at the world in a wholly foreign way. It’s in these moments of clarity that I see. I see how old I feel and how young I truly am. I see that age begets tragedy with beauty just a kiss away. I see that I am continually in the middle of saying goodbye to everything I know to be true. Synchronously, my heart is warmed in the constant welcoming of all the unknown newness into my life. I see dreams die every day only to see them reemerge in the most unlikely places. I see people disappear never to rematerialize again. I see death can not thrive without life. And then, sometimes, my thoughts have a way of trapping themselves and never breaking free.

Thirty. A milestone. The truth is we all age at our own pace; no one can possibly fathom where a person has been and all they have seen in their lives — in this respect, we are and will be, forever alone. Thus springs our need to share ourselves. “Intimacy is the principal source of the sugars with which life is sweetened.” Days fly by where sometimes I barely notice their passing, my fleeting memory has me trained to relish in the here and now because soon that feeling, that look, that touch will disappear forever. Then, I’ll find myself alone. Alone, lost in the sound of that second hand snapping my life away with its steady rhythm creating its captivating beat. And as I read over everything I’ve done in my life, I can’t help but smile and tap my foot and become captivated once again.

Current mood: nostalgic
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