February 3: On a scale of one to ten, how sad are you? Why?

Well, first I must create and understand the scale:

1-2 : Sadness is an abstract concept
3-4 : You experience sadness like a feather upon your head. It has some weight and tickles you from time to time.
5-6: Sadness is not a foreign concept, it slaps you around from time to time. It’s more like that annoying fly that flies around your head when you are trying to concentrate.
7-8 : Sadness has penetrated your routine. It’s that lingering cough that is always tickling the back of your throat.
9-10: Sadness is an overwhelming part of your existence. You are drowning in tears and heartache.

If that’s the scale. I think a healthy amount of sadness is 4-5.
I feel at my worst I’m 6.5. There is definitely room for improvement here. I’m not happy with a lot of things yet then again, I am. I oscillate. Most days I’m a 3-3.5. The background sadness radiation is abstract, not personal. I cannot help take on some of the sadness that I know exists in the world. It’s just my nature. I feel my added sadness is part biology, part situational. I feel stuck and need to get back on the right path.


February 6: Are you seeking contentment or excitement?

Neither exclusively. Both! What is a life without excitement? It’s boring! And a life without contentment? It’s sad, troubled, and full of misery! So, the question is do you want less misery or less boringness? Yeah, fuck off, terrible question.


February 11: How did you get to work today?

I got out of bed and walked to my desk.


February 13: What is your favorite question to ask people?

If it isn’t just a specific question, it’s going about the topic of belief. Why do we believe the things we do? Lots of philosophical questions come to mind.


February 15: What is the cure for a broken heart?

Time. Only time.

Now. At forty-years-old. There have been many people whom I’ve loved. Those special people I’ve given a little bit, and sometimes a whole lot, of my heart to. They still have those pieces. And I do think of them from time to time. In ways, I’m both lesser and greater for sharing myself. You see, even when I end a relationship, my heart breaks. Destroying potential, erasing an entire future, killing a timeline, my choice weighs heavily and never dissipates completely. In the moment I end it, I kiss them one last time, all of my doubt, all of my future regrets consume me. And when our lips finally part, when we cease to be, I leave a bit of myself behind and feel hollow. As I stagger forward, I attempt to construct a new Dean from the ashes of what I was seconds before. But in those ashes, a part of them remains. And I am better for it.


February 16: What was the last performance or concert you went to?

Sigur Rós at Hollywood Bowl on September 24, 2016
I was with Stephanie, Danny, and Mark. The concert was kind of just okay. Our seats were not the greatest and there were audio/visual issues. I feel Sigur Rós needs an intimate experience and this was one of the most un-intimate shows I’ve ever experienced.


February 22: What was your prevailing emotion of the day?

I had my first date while in my 40s. She was nice, yet a bit neurotic. It took me a while before I decided I didn’t want a second date. So, the prevailing emotion was a cautious, optimistic curiosity for the date, followed by a devastatingly crash of the blues following the date and until I went to sleep.

I feel like I’m lost at sea struggling to stay afloat as the wave crash over my head, sending me under, time and time again. And a date is like walking on land, it’s so nice…at first. Then you realize the sand is burning your feet, melting them. This island isn’t for you, it’s telling you. But your time on land is just enough to remind you of why you are out there swimming, why you endure. So, you reluctantly sulk back into the sea. It’s colder than you remembered and the waves seem more brutal than before, something you didn’t think was possible. And you look around and where there have been fewer and fewer islands, now there are none. So, we pick a direction and slowly drift that way wondering if the right island, our island, will be the next or if we will one day find ourselves at the bottom of the sea. I reworked this into a more polished poem, short story, or whatever. Check it out here.


February 25: What’s the last dream you remember?

I don’t remember. Most of my dreams are barely smudges on the window of my memories.


February 26: Name one item you can’t throw out.

This feels like it’s asking me to name something I should throw out, but I don’t. I do horde. Not in a bad way. Everything has its place. I doubt it’ll ever get to where it’s detrimental or dangerous. But, the first thing I think of is all the letters and saved things from everyone I’ve ever dated. It’s not that I’m harboring feelings anymore, it’s…a connection to who I used to be. To a past that my memories alone cannot conjure. A lot of my stuff holds these powers.


February 27: Are you the original or the remix? Why?

Perhaps the oddest question thus far. The terrible answer: I am both. I am the remix of my parents and wholly original. Even if I were to clone myself right now, I would still be original (and so would he.) Because we would eventually become vastly different because of the different experiences we would have.