My day of reflection. In these past years, I haven’t been all too optimistic when writing these. Despondent in fact. Sure, every year I hope to write about a girl who has captured me so completely that the whole entry is devoted to how amazing she is in every way and that I needed these low points to truly appreciate her. That is not this entry.

However, I feel good. Can’t really say why. I did see a few old friends today at a friend’s son’s first birthday party. But these positive feeling didn’t have their origins there.

My spirited mood may simply be attributed to the fact that I’m eating better. For over a week, I’ve been juicing fruits and vegetables and adding the drinks to a better diet. Not to say that I don’t have some of the same issues I’ve complained about in previous years.

My love life is still in shambles. The last victim of my quest to understand what I desire from love was the beautiful Sarah. We had a slightly rocky beginning, in the fact that she had ideas of moving at the end of the year so just wanted to keep things casual. Eventually, sweeping that under the rug, we got to know each other and things were really nice for a while. This is where I say, once again, I don’t know what the hell I’m looking for, but my gut told me this amazing girl I was dating wasn’t right. Stupid gut, one day I’m going to ignore you. So, things happened and it ended. I’m left with one more, what if. My heart aches.

I was around so many old friends today with their families, the irony hits hard. For it was me who wanted a wife and family from an early age. While most of my friends around me dated for fun, I was on a quest for my one. So, now I definitely feel I’m being left behind. Or perhaps just in a different boat. Either way, it’s heartbreaking looking at what could have been.

I think back to Sarah and past relationships wondering if she could have been the one, if perhaps I gave them more of a chance, would I be married with children now? I have to drill into my head that the grass is always greener, that I’m never been about the quick fix. Sometimes the length of this quest weighs heavily on my shoulders. Brings me to my knees. I’ve been a romantic since such an early age, I’ve craved love for as long as I can remember. To be part of a team to share myself so completely is an ache that I have no memories without. But I’m looking for that one, that one to destroy everyone who came before, that one who grabs me in every way possible and refuses to let go. Wendy came close. I’m considering calling her tonight. But it feels like taking two steps back. What I should be focused on is that next date. Who knows how close I am to her, to that one who surprises me with an all-encompassing love. That one I don’t ever question. Guess we’ll find out together.