not an empty page

I should be having a glass of water heading for bed. But, sometimes in those crucial seconds, before you commit yourself to do something, somewhere, something clicks…and so I’m here. I’m not sure what I intended on writing about, but I guess something deep inside wants out. It’s amazing the power of an empty page. What I write tonight could be the best thing that I ever will (doubtful). I could tell you in detail all the craziness that went on these last few days. But I won’t, because that was yesterday. And the past is a shadow that we hide in to avoid the present. So what am I thinking about now?

Egoism vs. altruism. It’s an ethical teeter-totter I’ve been riding for a while, but it’s something I don’t care to write about at the moment. What else? My awakening from years of repressed world interest and my earnest attempts of being in the know on current worldly events? Naw. My ideas on romance, companionship, love, and how to make it stay? Another time perhaps. My beard?

Perfect.

For all you that haven’t seen the newest edition to my narcissist collection of photos, I am now scruffy. Why? Why else? A girl told me to do it. Plus, I don’t like shaving. Not to mention, like I said, I’m narcissistic. Well, not truly. I’m just fascinated by my existence. Some people might just accept the idea that they are alive and move on. I’m a bit strange. I’m constantly questioning the fact that I exist. Not in the, oh why am I here? I must have been put here to change the world? Or at least save the dwarf wedge mussel from extinction!!! (no really, to help save the dwarf wedge mussel, go here)

See, I live my life as an introverted thinker that just so happens to be outgoing. Not that I’m so blind to think that the autism that’s littered throughout my family tree didn’t touch me in some way. But, I like to think I’m just very self-aware. So, obviously, the one thing I have constant access to is me and the self-analysis quickly follows. You do that enough you begin to create an image of who you are inside your mind separate from what you physically see in the mirror. So, I have that construct of myself, the physical identity I see in passing reflections, and then a whole other self I see through your eyes. The persona that is created by interactions with friends, family, the whole world. Merging all these into one being can prove challenging considering how different they sometimes seem.

I mentioned in another entry, that this inner persona, who I believe is the closest to the true me (or is it?), will forever be a mystery to most. And it’s our life’s struggle to find ways to project this truest self. And this is why loneliness can drive people mad. Without social interaction you forget how to project who you are and when you try, people have a difficult time understanding, thus furthering that turn to the inner persona and dismissing reality. Ummm, not that I do that. But I do continue on, every day struggling to be understood.

Wait. This was supposed to be about my beard. Ummm, beards are…itchy. And to tie this all up real-nice like, beards, facial hair or even the lack of, and hell, everything you do and say are just ways that people are trying to share themselves with the world and express who they truly are. Take that! Okay. Goodnite.

Current mood: itchy
Currently listening: Essential Leonard Cohen by Leonard Cohen