The girl I’m going to marry doesn’t exist.

It might sound like a harsh statement and like everything, my attitude and thoughts on the subject are always changing. So, this is a snapshot of my drunken thoughts right now…after a few [too many] glasses of a nice Cabernet…

I’m coming up on roughly ten or so years of dating and I’ve begun to notice a trend. I date girls and then they move on into their most successful relationships; I know of at least five relationships where I was the last person someone dated before getting married. I’m not saying these all were the perfect girl that got away, but in retrospect, I can’t help think “why?” This last year has definitely been a roller-coaster ride of, well, just about everything, especially relationships of the romantic nature.

I sometimes feel like I’m in the twilight zone where the whole world is just a little bit off-kilter and I’m the guy at the end who discovers something completely shocking that it shatters his whole universe. So, I’m trying to figure myself out and figure out what I want, what I should do, and where I fit into this great big planet — so far with very little luck. A friend of mine told me her graduation was one of the most exciting times of her life, so why am I barely excited at all for mine? I should be ecstatic, I mean it’s taken me long enough. Another friend wrote to me about looking at myself from the moon, which is a very interesting concept. I’ve done a similar thing most of my life, I’ve just tried to look at myself objectively in the third person.

I’ve been drinking more than usual lately. I think it has much to do with these blasted headaches. Probably more with dealing with classes and even more with not thinking about graduating next month. I’ve also been going to the gym more, I find it a nice escape. A hot, smelly, sweaty escape, but an escape nonetheless. I need that distraction because there are days where I literally never leave this blasted house. It gets a little claustrophobic. Then, I start feeling a little crazy. And of course, since crazy runs in my family, that’s to be expected…

I’m sorry the drinks are affecting my train of thought. I was talking about relationships. What really sticks with me after all the women I’ve dated is that nagging question of whether I’m holding the person I’m dating back from something better. My only answer to that question is yes. However, perhaps when I find the woman who never sparks that question, I might feel differently.


Current mood: drunk