Friends — People who know you really well and still like you. These are the people you willingly invite into your lives to share with them your greatest gift — yourself. Many say there is nothing in the world greater than a true friend. The act of gaining new friends is relatively easy, however, losing a friend that you once considered close and irreplaceable is a strange and sad process. Sometimes the loss is a gradual deterioration similar to a friendship that just gets stronger over time. And other times it’s quick. When this occurs and before you even know what’s happening, you’ve lost a part of yourself. Either way, not only do you lose someone you once trusted and relied on, but often there is a lingering question of why? Now, everyone wants to believe that they are the best person they can be — the best friend, the best boyfriend, the best son. I have found it’s only when you see friends drift off, never to talk to you again, does something click inside telling you, maybe you are not the best, because if you were, they would never have let you go. Sometimes you try to rationalize the fact that you did the best you could or perhaps they have changed. Somewhere though, no matter who they are, it hurts that they gave you up. My main question though is why we lose friends that we once considered essential to our lives. And I have no answer. Well, besides the obvious ones — lies, betrayal, and capital murder. However, that’s not what’s on my mind. I’m thinking about the ones that slowly tiptoe out the side door of your life. Why do we let them go and why didn’t they hang on?
I’ve lived a life where I’ve drifted from one group of friends to another. I keep in touch with the friends I care to and sometimes, despite my best efforts some still fall away. Now, however, thanks to this site, some friends once lost, are finding their way back. These friends materializing in the form of a personal web page asking if I would be their friend again is what sparked this stream of consciousness writing session. What makes people stay friends, why do people stop being friends, and now, why do some want back in?
It fascinates me why people tend to drift in and out of our lives. Does it take so little to keep in touch? To maintain that connection? What is a friend? How do we label or rate our friends? How many people do I trust with my life? How many friends can I count on for anything? Can you have too many friends? Is there a limit to how many friendship you can maintain? I’ve always believed in the idea that you could never have enough friends. Then I look at how many people that I have let into my life and trust unconditionally and then wonder why that number isn’t higher.
Thanks to Curtis for the “stream of consciousness” journal idea.
“Somehow, the conversation mentioned your name and someone asked if I knew you. Looking away I thought of all the times we had together; sharing laughter, tears, jokes, and tons more. And then, without explanation, you were gone. I looked to where they were waiting for an answer, and then said softly, ‘Once…I thought I did.”
—unknown
“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Current mood: contemplative / melancholy / hopeful
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Well I’m glad something good came out of that idea, ‘cuz my post totally missed the point.
I’ve thought about this kind of thing before. Friends are a very unique concept. Any relationship is. Even if it isn’t what we’d consider a romantic love relationship friendship is still the same basic principle – opening yourself up and giving trust to a person that isn’t you. You look for things in common, and shared experiences. You wanna’ share common life stuff with other people that can relate. Sometimes those things change and with that so does the relationship. Not long ago I had to “break up” with a very good friend because we had grown apart. In an effort to keep things the same we ignored the fact that things were changing and instead of saving a friendship it totally blew up. I think that “friend drift” works kind of the same way. Take us for example – I don’t even remember why we stopped hanging out. I certainly never intended it, but sure enough 8 or 9 years went by and then came MySpace. I’m glad it did. I think I’ve lost my train of thought now, but you got me thinkin’ and the brain is always a good muscle to work out.
Later I may write a blog about gravity.
Maybe it’s because I watch animal planet or something, but perhaps the process of friends drifting in and out of our lives has more to do with animalistic behavior then anything else. Take wolves for example. They travel in packs. When one leaves to mate with another wolf from another pack, he in turn starts to form a new pack. His old pack can’t keep tabs on him anymore, they have their own survival things to worry about for their group. Perhaps we too are the same. We have to worry about our own little circle, and one drifts out that circle of “space”, “relativity”, etc…it gets harder and harder to keep tabs, and eventually they are gone.
Personally, it’s hard enough for me to keep up with the ones that are in my circle. So when one drifts outside that circle, I have to concede that that is the end. Not that they are out of my heart or mind. It comes down to taking care of the relative proximity to your space and well being. In a way– an emotional fortress. Everyone only has so much to give, and they need to know that the circle around them is stable. So those within the circle are the ones that get your attention.
With he arrival of the internet, and years later myspace, it allows our circle to expand. It allows us to be in multiple places at once, with such a fraction of the energy it took before, that the energy it took to keep in touch with one person now is enough to keep in touch with twenty.
I have the same feelings about friends and friendship. Not only have I lost so many to the chaos of life, even after finding them again on myspace, the connection still seems lost. Friends I have known throughout the years no longer call, write, or seem to notice me waving in the air to get their attention. Not only are my feelings hurt, I wonder if they even cared to begin with. Some people can have too many friends, as myspace has shown with people claiming 200+, sometimes thousands of friends. However, I see them as popularity contests rather than someone with true friendship in mind. I feel that I don’t have enough friends, but all the friends I thought I had, left to go onto bigger things in life. Circles change, lives adapt to new scenarios, and time continues on. I wonder what does make one a best friend. I’ve had the same best friend for ten years now, and thinking about what we share, what makes the friendship tick. Stubbornness of not letting go? Constantly talking about the little things, the boring bits of life? I don’t know. What I do know is whenever any of my old friends feel like contacting me again, I’ll always be here to listen. 😀
I have always felt that friendships are based purely out of core selfishness. Don’t get me wrong, this is the ‘good’ selfishness. This is the same type of selfish behavior that will keep you just living. (Like eating your food before you donate to charity.)
In friendships, we need to feel accepted as a morally fit, good humored person. We need to feel that there are people out there, no matter how few, that share the same general perspective of the world. It keeps us from complete mental isolation. On the other hand, we need to feel caring, compassionate people towards our friend.
It’s not all about the non-stop laughter from youth, or the feeling of dog-like loyalty. It is about ourselves–our own insecurities and our own selfishness,
Funny…I just wrote about a similar idea and hadn’t even read yours yet.
so if i’m up there is that a good thing or a bad thing? i don’t think we’re drifting i think we just had to get thru the first baby year and now that’s he’s older and we have it down the drifts will go away 🙂