setting the bar
What is the meaning of life? To everyone comes a different answer. Life, a gift. A gift so complex, so vast and beautiful many spend most of their lives just trying to figure it out. As we only live one life we cannot compare it to previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come. Thus making this gift even more precious, for once it is gone, it is gone.
So, it’s not what we want, say, or think that truly matters. It’s only what we do. Simply, it is what defines us. It is our story. And personally, I like to shake mine up from time to time.
Who do you think you are? Every morning I wake up a different man. A new man. I base my actions on who I was yesterday and what I know of today. And as the years I carry grow heavier I sometimes struggle to remember why I do certain things. How do I know I’m the best I can be without challenging who I am? So, I have taken practice to not take myself for granted, to occasionally hold myself up for an examination. Change something and document the outcome. Always be reevaluating, always be growing.
There were many reasons I decided to take a photo of myself every day in 2008. To challenge my photography skills, to document my adventures, but also to escape myself and see Dean from a different point of view. So, after a year of literal self-reflection, I discovered I felt engaged and invigorated! And totally burnt out. I wanted to continue to explore, to challenge but needed something less time-consuming. So, my next project was simple — do nothing. Born out of pure curiosity after shaving my head, I let my hair grow without a single snip. As the days passed I watched myself transform; my hair testifying to my passage through the days one millimeter at a time. A year later I saw time visualized, sitting on top of my head. Later, as I cut it all off and it fell to the floor, I sat there staring at a true physical representation of the last 365 days. Produced by me. Now gone. Literally history.
There are many things we do simply because we like to do them. All have risks. All have consequences. It’s the individual who must struggle with the options. So, many times we get into habits in which we forget, we act impulsively, instinctively, subconsciously. Taking the time to audit your life, your choices, are something that must take priority once in a while. Otherwise, we are just adrift through the seas of time, picking up shiny things, forgetting to peek inside to discover the outboard motor in ourselves as we waft closer to the edge of that beautiful waterfall of doom. And that’s no way to live.
I drink. I’ve been gobbling down booze since I was a teenager. Not daily mind you. But I would be hard-pressed to say there has been a week that’s gone by that I didn’t have at least a sip of wine or beer. But why? Had I just accepted that it was a normal part of my social environment? If you can’t miss something if it is always around, then how did I know what drinking truly was to me if I never came up for air? I know a few people who abstain for various reasons; what would it be like to jump into their shoes?
The more I thought about it the more reasons poured over me: Alcohol is a poison, if I stopped what would be the effects on my health, motivation, energy, memory, and overall body condition, how much money would I save, how would I feel about drinking after a year, would I finally get my butt to the gym on a regular basis, could I make better decisions, would I eventually appreciate alcohol more, what would it be like not to drink in social situations, bars and parties and what would be reactions of people, my friends, when I told them I’ve stopped drinking?
Truthfully, the most compelling reason that has convinced me to climb aboard that infamous wagon of sobriety? It is doing something against your nature. Redefining yourself. Keeping this promise and following through with it will give me a glimpse of my willpower — a better understanding of myself. Curiosity piqued. The bar has been set, to closed.
“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.”
—Jimmy Breslin
Expression = Impression
This entry was originally a writing assignment for the company I worked for at the time. We were asked to contribute to the company blog.
Everyone needs an outlet to express themselves; to emancipate our ideas, emotions, and desires. How we do this and the means by which it is interpreted will inevitably define us.
The world as we knew it has changed. Technology has infiltrated our lives and brought with it a new avenue of communication. With the advent of social media and networking websites our world has become much larger and a lot less private. Before, conversations at a party, by the office water cooler, or even at the dinner table would not travel very far. Today, in a world of video cameras, internet, and texting with our phones, words and ideas traveling at the speed of light. A casual conversation one moment, could minutes later show up as posts, and before you realize it, it has been read by someone across the world.
How we are perceived simply comes down to what we say. When we gripe about Mondays, what does that tell management about our role as an employee? What if the intern announces on Twitter that they “felt totally useless”? And what if their boss reads it? What we say and do, can easily run the risk of insulting or alienating a person, or worse, many people. With social media, we can all publish public content. A miscommunication today can quickly leave a bad impression and break down relationships among a much larger group.
Speak with sincerity and clarity. Always understand that no matter how hard you try, that someone, somehow, will misinterpret you. So, leave your mark knowing it is now forever part of your online persona.
I was also asked to explain the imagery I created for it, this is what I wrote:
The silhouette is of someone who is connected to technology. The motion blur illustrates how fast we are changing, how what we say is never a completely accurate picture of who we truly are, and how quickly we can transfer a digital idea of ourselves across the globe. The repeating outlines of the person illustrates who we were in the past, what we are becoming, and how that is and never will be exactly who we are right now. It also can be construed as a visual representation of us broadcasting ourselves to the world. The earth below shows that all of this is happening on a global scale.
dear zachary
The absolute worst, best, unbelievable, most uplifting, and brilliantly devastating film that I am ever likely to see. Nothing has ever crossed my eyes that has sliced at my emotional being so deep and left me so raw, that it will stay with me forever. It was perhaps the first time I had ever been completely paralyzed by a film. Simply, it is one of the best movies I have ever seen.
I was told to see this film with specific instructions not to read anything about it, watch a trailer or even read the summary — just to go into it blind. All I knew was that it was a documentary. I would suggest the same to you. All that I will add is, prepare yourself. It will blindside you and then pummel your emotions to a pulp. It is an experience unlike any other. The movie is Dear Zachary.
Current mood: all of the above
Currently watching: Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father
01-14-09
Here we go again. I’ve been setting the stage for some deep introspection all day and for some reason, I have lost it all in the here and now. Perhaps it’s fitting because the theme of this year’s today is change. And my infamous forgetfulness has now changed the rest of what you’ll be reading.
I’ve been morphing into this different person these last few years (I blame my blasted teeth for being the catalyst that started it all.) I began really seeing its effects these last few months; a change in personality, priorities, and attitude. I really didn’t like what I’ve become. So, for a while, I thought hey, let’s just shut down and reboot. Cut all the non-essentials out for a spell. I discovered life has a way of not letting you do that. It also has a way of tricking the mind into doing the easiest thing, which, of course, is not necessarily the best thing for you.
In the past whenever I got too self-indulgent, too despondent, or too self-reproaching, I would check myself. Literally. In to a wall. Hockey style. It wasn’t pretty. Then, I would write a blog, smile, and go about my cheerful way. I think somewhere down the line I forgot this and that fed into a series of pushing aside my introspective body checks. Then, suddenly, I was hit with the sense of discontinuity. This is illustrated well in how many blogs I’ve posted this last year compared to years past. I blame my photo project, while fascinating in many regards, I feel it was detrimental to my writings and ironically left little time for self-reflection.
Not too long ago I had the thought, Dean is a happy guy. And smiled. More because I thought of myself in the third person and then the silly grin grew even bigger because I knew instantly I would mention it here. There have been many elements in the past year that were life-altering and unfortunately went without close inspection. I feel this had a terrible drain on my psyche. Taking the time to audit your life is something that must take priority once in a while or you’ll become a melancholiac drifter watching the sparks of passion slowly flow out of your soul until you are left an unsentimental, miserable shell of a person. And nobody wants that.
So, now that I’ve discovered my defective metronome was secretly slowing with every click, I have once again cranked that sucker back up to supersonic. If there is anything I could say that gets me up in the morning… it. is. passion. And not just for blueberries. It’s passion for life, for new experiences, for what is yet to come. Passion, coupled with a little hope on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace drinking a cup of change with a few silly little marshmallows thrown in for good measure. That’s what I’m getting back to. The 20th is inauguration day. And as cliché and cheesy as it seems, I feel that Obama’s running on CHANGE and HOPE is a mirror to my own inner struggle with humanity and my itsy-bitsy place in it.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Current mood: optimistic
Currently listening: Hail to the Thief by Radiohead
alone
Tired, I stumble into my house. An unfamiliar silence and stale air wash over me. The house seems to grow larger in front of my eyes. The rooms are darker, the air painfully silent. As I walk down the hall I slowly realize how an empty house can make one feel dreadfully alone.
My home is now in my sole custody again. In many ways, I enjoy the solitude, but it also makes it tricky to fight that creeping twinge of loneliness. The inevitability of this crippling feeling is daunting. It’s a reason we venture out in constant search of the comfort of being connected. It’s also why once we find those connections we strive so hard and sacrifice so much never to lose them.
A coworker told me about a friend of hers who is battling with life. Self-destructive, alone, and shutting herself away — she’s lost. As I was being related this story, I thought how it takes a lot to battle life on your own. How we all walk similar paths: this thin line of needing to rely on others and having to rely on ourselves to make it through, to continue on. I feel friends are a luxury, so without your own inner power to pull yourself up from the depths of despair, you are doomed. Thus, the importance of being alone in order to realize yourself, to be comfortable in who you are, and not see yourself only as a reflection through someone else’s eyes.
As, once again, the day has come where I amass age, I feel even more comfortable in my solitude, yet I gather more solace than ever in the sodality of others. Then, in a flash of remembrance, a feeling appears. That somehow, alone, we are not complete. And the amazingly momentous transformation that happens when you suddenly find you are no longer part of a “we” and are now solely an “I” is reciprocal. And for every transition, every relationship that comes and goes, no matter how much was gained, we also lose a part of ourselves, and alone we struggle once again to redefine who we are. Yet, without those vital moments of interpersonal contact, we are just untested theories of who we would want to be. Everyone seeks their own defined self; sometimes it just might take someone else to actualize it.
“Someday, in years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But, the real struggle is here, now, in these quiet weeks. Now, it is being decided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be made except by a steady, long continued process.”
—Phillips Brooks
Current mood: exhausted
Currently listening: A Charlie Brown Christmas: The Original Sound Track by Vince Guaraldi Trio
swimming through space
So I went to the Fish in the Pond — A String Theory Discussion Lecture at Claremont Museum of Art yesterday afternoon.
From their website:
Parallel universes, multiple realities, String Theory. What are they and how do they relate to an exhibition at an art museum? Dr. Vatche Sahakian, Professor of Physics (specializing in String Theory) from Harvey Mudd College in Claremont will try to make sense of it all in the context of the Museum’s current exhibition, Multiverse.
What was really interesting was the lecture was held in the gallery in which we were surrounded by art that was inspired by those topics. Some really fascinating interpretations indeed! The lecture was relatively basic, a lot of stuff he talks about was more in-depthly covered in A Brief History of Time or even The Universe on History Channel. So a lot of his babblings were a bit repetitive, yet I still sat engrossed the entire time with an unwavering smile upon my face. And to top it off the audience discussion at the end was fantastically enthralling. But, by far, the most exciting and interesting part was when our lecturer intermittently switched over from his PowerPoint to a beautiful 3D Space simulator! Now, I’ve used Google Sky and Stellarium for quite some time now. Each has its unique benefits and shortcomings. But this software, Celestia, was just amazingly beautiful. I suggest checking it out!!!
“Who are we? Where do we come from? Why are we this way and not some other? What does it mean to be human? Are we capable, if need be, of fundamental change, or do the dead hands of forgotten ancestors impel us in some direction, indiscriminately for good or ill, and beyond our control? Can we alter our character? Can we improve our societies? Can we leave our children a world better than the one that was left to us? Can we free them from the demons that torment us and haunt our civilization? In the long run, are we wise enough to know what changes to make? Can we be trusted with our own future?” —Dr. Carl Sagan
“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
—Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
Current mood: astronomical
Currently listening: Original Pirate Material by The Streets
renew, reuse, rethink
More and more evidence seems mounted against recycling.
I have to admit, I was a bit shocked to find out this discussion has been going on for years and I’ve only now heard of it. Personally, I’m not 100% convinced on how adverse it is to recycle given today’s standards as I’ve been hard-pressed to find any long-term studies anywhere. So, perhaps we are just not recycling enough or an efficient enough manner, although I doubt it. The fact remains that this issue isn’t even close to being common knowledge and that disturbs me.
Penn and Tellers Bullshit on Recycling aired in 2004. The main point I gathered is, from a purely economical standpoint, recycling is not efficient. If it were sustainable and more efficient, government wouldn’t need to be involved – the free market would take over and companies would recycle on their own because it’d be cheaper than extracting new virgin materials.
There seems to also be a lot of other well-informed individuals who agree on this issue. Though, like everything else, it all seems to come back to money. If recycle can be profitable, if we can sell and ship all our plastics to china for bigger profits, then why investigate further? The public thinks it’s good for the environment and more importantly, they feel good doing it…so what’s the problem? There is none. Oh, unless you really DO care about this planet and don’t want to be a misinformed drone. So do a little research, challenge ideas, and think for yourself.
In summation, recycling is quite the convoluted issue with decades of rhetoric. I’m sorry to say I haven’t found, nor posted any answers here. I just wanted to share what I’ve found thus far.
So, here are a few more eye-opening links, one from a site labeled, ironically,”Dean’s World” — no relation.
http://www.deanesmay.com/posts/1122480118.shtml
https://www.griffex.com/Griff-gpec-and-tables.pdf
“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”
—Edmund Burke
“Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time, who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done, if we are always doing.”
—Thomas Jefferson
Current mood: restless
Currently listening: More Betterness! by No Use for a Name