01-14-19
This past year has had some ups and downs. Let me share a bit.
First things first: I ran away last summer! It was a big deal. I wrote about it and shared all my exploits! Check it out here.
I also went to my second Burning Man last August! I cannot say I’m a “burner” whatever that label means, but I love everything this place represents. It is truly mind-blowing! Beyond words. If you have a creative bone in your body, find your way there someday. So many great people and personalities! So much unbelievably great art! So much to say, but not here. Working on writing something…bigger.
Last October, heartbreakingly, The Violet Hour and Magoski Art Colony in Fullerton had their final art walk. I have been going there for practically a decade and recently it was becoming a second home. I seriously looked forward to it each month, it was a hub for some of the best people I’ve ever met and a great place to meet new ones. Not to mention, the art was always great! I was actually planning to show some art there next year. It is truly saddening that hanging out at the Colony will not be in my future. For a little while that last night I bartended again, staying there after hours where a few of us toasted to the end of an era.
Last year, 2018, I started a (short-lived) Star Wars role-playing game with friends, helped a friend paint a mural of adorable pups, ate the tiniest taco in existence, had a CT scan of my bum shoulder, floated a few times, when to a bunch of parties, started a life drawing class, went to a House/Shag event in Palm Springs, had more Art Day meetups at my house, held my annual Thanksmas party, somehow found myself in a San Diego nightclub blaring terrible music but dancing my heart out anyway, went to a Spike & Mike reunion show, played a lot of DnD with the guys, had an amazing Star Wars walk-through virtual reality experience at Downtown Disney, spent 45 days driving to Canada and back, remodeled both of my bathrooms, hosted some couch surfers, had a reunion with all my old BJ Pizza friends, said goodbye to a close friend, bartended a fantastic charity event, and after years away, I started painting again thanks to a new friend!
Not much to say in the love life category, as not much has changed from last year. I’m pretty sure I went on more first dates last year than any before. Not more than a couple second dates. And no thirds. Although, I am currently chatting with someone. So, optimistic superpowers…ACTIVATE!
In other news, I’ve committed to moving out of Brea. Leaving this house of 14 years. This, how does this make me feel? Fucking scared, sad, excited, terrified, nostalgic. If things go according to plan, I’ll not be in this house, the home I’ve had since 2004, this time next year, at the latest Spring 2020. This house has been stability. A constant. A touchstone. A reflection. A sanctuary. A dream. A transition from youth.
I walked through the door on 801 Worthington that first day, before Menagerie, before Kelly, before my 10-year reunion, before any grey in my beard, before graduating CSUF, before reconnecting with Curtis, before DnD, before Amy was married to Dax, before Azzy, before Wendy, before MySpace, before Facebook, before my yearly projects, before Bruce & Kelly, before Obama, before Jeff Stewart and all the friends that sprung from him, before owning power tools, before I knew anything about working on a house, before crawling in an attic, before calling myself an atheist, before being 30, and before knowing so much.
I walked through the door with dreams of eventually living there with the love of my life, starting a family, and eventually outgrowing the house. Saying goodbye to it and moving on as a family. I really tried to make that a reality. Perhaps this is my cocoon. [side note: butterflies molt a chrysalis from their skin, not cocoons. And only some moths spin cocoons] And I must leave it in order to change. But I’m going to do it. Because change is difficult and scary. But I feel it’s going to be worth it. This year is prepping the house, getting everything done that needs to be done. This year is for researching the places I might want to go. Long Beach, LA, Berkley, Portland? I am currently reading a book and these passages caught my eye:
“The journeys made were beyond common sense; who leaves the hearth for the open sea? especially without a compass, especially in winter, especially alone. What you risk reveals what you value.”
—Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson
…I forgot about feeling and wallowed in contentment. Contentment is a feeling you say? Are you sure it’s not an absence of feeling? I liken it to that particular numbness one gets visiting the dentist. Not in pain nor out of it, slightly drugged. Contentment is the positive side of resignation. It has appeal but it’s no good wearing an overcoat and furry slipper and heavy gloves when what the body really wants is to be naked.
—Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson
I love this idea of personal perspectives of things past. I can see the quotes above relating to my relationship with this house. The metaphor of a cocoon or a hearth, about contentment. What you risk reveals what you value! Ah! I want to write a poem, explore these ideas, these feelings. But not tonight.
nice guys finishing last
We should not treat women like princesses, but with the same respect we would treat our mothers, sisters, the whole of humanity, etc. “Niceness” isn’t idolizing the women we date, niceness is the appreciation, recognition, and courtesy that should come with every relationship. This should never degrade over time or because we’ve had encounters with women who do not appreciate it.
Also, niceness has nothing to do with being a pushover, but with holding one’s self to a certain level of integrity. And always entering a new relationship with that same integrity, no matter how poorly the last one might have ended. Nice guys/people do not always finish last, but rarely are they first. Danger is a seductive animal, and many women/people must wrestle with it before they learn its lesson and turn to seek kindness. And if we stay true to that kindness, in the end, the right ones will find us.
“Character cannot be made except by a steady, long, continued process.”
—Phillips Brooks
Porco Rosso,1992

Porco Rosso (1992) – [subtitled]
For the next few weeks I’ll be watching all the Studio Ghibli films. Some again, some for the first time.
This film will transport you to through the clouds and back to Europe in the 1930’s! You’ll cheer at the heroics of a Bogart-ish, WWI flying ace, who just happens to be a pig and laugh at good-hearted sea pirates stealing children for ransom! There is so much packed in this film, love, adventure, honor, curses, hidden coves, dogfights, bare-knuckle boxing, fascists, bounty hunters, pirate gangs, and a final duel that determine the fate of everyone. This film cannot help but lift the spirits of its viewers. But unlike any Miyazaki film that’s come before, there is a real sense of fun. Also, unlike past films, it feels like it’s aimed slightly more to a grown-up, mature audience.
Porco Rosso is a perfect mix of reality and fantasy, Casablanca with a splash of Beauty and the Beast. It’s less about plot than it’s about ambiance, although it explores some very interesting ideas. Shame, not accepting one’s self and how we continuously punish ourselves. Forgiveness, and how putting the past behind us is the only way to grow and change. Love, both the old, wise, grown-in kind, as well as the infatuation and eagerness of a newly discovered gem. And strong women, it’s so fantastic to see this trend continue in Miyazaki films, and in Porco Rosso it’s even more prominent.
Once again, Miyazaki delivers exactly the same wonderance in a very different package. I highly recommend everyone checking out Porco Rosso.
Only Yesterday,1991

Only Yesterday (1991) – [subtitled]
For the next few weeks I’ll be watching all the Studio Ghibli films. Some again, some for the first time.
Isao Takahata’s follow up to Grave of the Fireflies is just as dynamic and powerful, yet vastly more uplifting. You will be moved, heart warmed, fall into childhood memories, smile, cringe, and perhaps, like me, cheer with eyes blurred.
The film is an empathic look at the plight of women, especially in Japanese society. That said, this film will affect anyone who has ever questioned the direction of their lives, felt like their life has been shaped and guided by the memories of past, and how we reconcile who we were as a child to who we’ve become as an adult.
Similarly to how Totoro and Fireflies mirror each other thematically, yet are extremely different films in style, as well as narrative, Only Yesterday is a perfect coming-of-age companion to Kiki’s Delivery Service. There is no magic, no airships, no chase scenes, no evil villains bent on world domination, just a young woman unsure about her future, as she peers into her past.
Only Yesterday is a slow burning, intimate, introspective, life-affirming, near perfect piece of cinema. I laughed, cried, and was touched by every scene. Everyone should experience this film.
Kiki's Delivery Service, 1989

Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) – [subtitled]
For the next few weeks I’ll be watching all the Studio Ghibli films. Some again, some for the first time.
The fact that this came out right after ‘Grave of Fireflies’, shows the amazing range of Studio Ghibli and hints at the masterpieces yet to come.
This film is not only artistically beautiful, but also thematically. It is a fantastic, uplifting, coming-of-age adventure in which a most loveable, delightful young girl must figure out the world on her own. Like Totoro there are no villains, and for the most part, nor external problem to overcome. There is just a girl from the country and her hilarious cat, now in a bustling city trying to find
her path, create friends, and for better and worse, handle the responsibilities of her new life. It’s simple and it’s perfect.
Grave of the Fireflies, 1988

Grave of the Fireflies (1988) – [subtitled]
For the next few weeks I’ll be watching all the Studio Ghibli films. Some again, some for the first time.
As I type this, I choke up, my eyes begin to water, I pause. This film will pummel one’s emotions to a pulp and haunt you.
Grave of the Fireflies is one of the greatest animated films of all time, a most hauntingly beautiful and devastating film. You will not leave it unscathed. Fireflies hits hard since we all know the fates of our characters, as it’s how we are introduced to them. As we grow to know and love them, Seito and Setsuko, brother and sister, emanate beauty and love in the face of horror.
We watch, slowly, as childhood innocence burns away, leaving husks in its wake. We see a hero born in Seito, the epitome of brotherly love. We see the devastations of war ravage a society on a heartbreakingly intimate level. We see the fragility of life and youth eroded by social displacement and isolation. We watch helplessly.
This film, based on a true story, broke my heart into thousands of tiny pieces. ‘Heart-wrenching’ doesn’t seem strong enough. It’s an utterly beautiful, touching film which powerfully communicates the strength of the human spirit to carry on against overwhelming odds. As difficult as it may be, it’s a must watch. Simply one of the best films I’ve ever seen.
My Neighbor Totoro, 1988

My Neighbor Totoro (1988) – [subtitled]
For the next few weeks I’ll be watching all the Studio Ghibli films. Some again, some for the first time.
As time sweeps past us, we can forget and lose the innocence, wonder, and magic that defined us as a child. With Totoro, Miyazaki transports us back to that perspective of sheer delight in the most life-affirming, adorable, charming, carefree, beloved story I’ve ever watched.
The film embodies a time when everything was new and interesting and beautiful, from a crumbling porch to a hidden path between bushes. When we lived in a magical world, with endless possibilities, where we appreciated everything, where all new things are embraced.
It’s impossible not to fall in love with four-year-old Mei. Smiles burst from our face with her every word and action. She is brave and curious, exploding with raw emotions, energized movements, and a confidently booming voice. This is her world, one without limits, and she aims to adventure. Mei’s sister, ten-year-old Satsuki, is at that critical age where innocence can become lost. She is our mirror. Our passage back to innocence.
This is a film with no antagonist role, no moral lessons, no trite story, no pop-culture reference, and no breaking out into song. It’s simply a film that plucks the magical harp strings of childhood and lets adults hear a song they might have forgotten. And one children sing along to. A song which brings a smile to the face unlike any other. One painted from pure joy. From the innocence, wonder, and magic of being a child.
—
Mei and the Kittenbus (2002) – [subtitled]
If you can find it, this is a perfect little nugget of smiles. Not thinking it was possible, Mei becomes even more delightful in this short. At 13-minutes, it wasn’t enough, but nothing ever would be.
The Astronaut
Dean
I wanted to bring color into outer space, so I took my pen and ink drawing and created the most colorful astronaut ever. I began like previous paintings, experimenting again with style and technique. There are definitely things I’m both happy and not quite satisfied with within this piece, but as a first version, I think it came out rather well. Looking forward to painting it again someday soon.