a loss bound with hope
How does one know they are getting older. How does one know they are an adult. How does time play tricks on us. What does it mean when we say that this year went by so fast or I cant believe it’s been ten years. Time is inescapable. Elusive.
This morning, as I was eating brunch with friends, my grandma died. As I was designing my business card this afternoon I found out about it. She was the special grandparent to me, we shared much in common including a birthday exactly 50 years apart, we were both artists and stubborn in our ways. I saw myself in her, she was just as much a part of me as I of her. Even though she lived halfway across the country and our visits were sparse, I feel a bit lost and alone now that she is gone. Like my world just became a little darker and a little smaller.
I now have no grandparents left. This fact, along with becoming an uncle, has me officially slipping into adulthood to become the middle generation that paves the way for the next. Seeing and marveling over my friend’s and sister’s babies isn’t just because they are unlawfully cute and drooly, but I see their future and it amazes me. I see myself dying and I see these babies carrying on. This gives me comfort and my hope in the future is strengthened.
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
—Oscar Wilde
Current mood: sad
im working with johnny depp
I haven’t talked a lot about my current job here and that’s a shame because I absolutely love it. Although, the nostalgia of past jobs and the years and years and years of college has already set in. However, it only takes me a second to recall how much being poor, being treated like a $5/hour slave, and being in career-limbo facing an unknown future totally makes me appreciate where I am now. That, and I get to work on really cool stuff. Like Edward Scissorhands. Now, I’ve done some pretty cool stuff since I began interning last January, but this was my first real solo effort in creating keyart for a DVD packaging. The bad news? It’s not domestic. Meaning it won’t be released in the US, it’s international packaging. Boo, I know. But, it doesn’t phase me one bit. I’m so extremely excited! Next, I get to work on a bunch of Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns!!! Like A Fistful of Dollars!!! I love that movie!
So. Needless to say. I’m happy to put my 40 hours in at the “office.” For me, this is a dream come true.
Current mood: cheerful
Rent at the Pantages
I’ve never had the opportunity to experience a Broadway show before. Tonight I rectified that. I went to Hollywood to see the touring cast perform RENT at the Pantages. After listening to the soundtrack for almost ten years and then seeing the movie last year, I was eagerly awaiting seeing RENT the way it was intended. And I must say, I wasn’t disappointed; I was blown away. I highly recommend the show and would elaborate further but my pillows are looking a little too fluffy, so it’s time to go drool on them. Goodnight.
Current mood: tired
what is art?
I received this comment today and got really excited. I immediately sat down and typed the first thing that popped into my mind. Here it is…
What is art?
-use no more than 30 words
-no need for a complete sentence
-english only
-no dictionary definitions
-from your own thoughts, please – even if they are recycled thoughts!
My response…
Art is culture, a boundless expression, absolute madness, inner voices, passion, and hunger, a pure distorted reflection of beauty, dreams, and lies; it’s a reinvention of everything – Art is life.
Now it’s your turn!
Current mood: artistic
I’m a DAD!
Well okay, not literally. Not even figuratively. More like spiritually. You see, all my life I’ve been baby deprived. Quite simply no one I knew, not family nor friends, had babies. Now, however, there are oodles. For me, the great benefit is the fact that I get to experience all the undeniable baby cuteness while the parents deal with the yucky back end of things — quite literally.
It was two years ago that I was introduced to a particular baby that began this chain reaction. It seemed after she was born there was a breakout of pregnancies among my friends. Along the way, I got to meet and play with more babies than I have ever had in my life. And I was content with them being their babies and everything was fine. Until today.
I’m home, sick, and bored to tears with some sort of virus thus giving me plenty of time to think. As I sat incapacitated on my couch watching the tv, the storyline caught me off guard. I had a moment. I began to think of my friends and their little miracles being pushed around in their stroller-car seat hybrids and everything they have and will go through to raise their children. Then the realization came to me — I could do that. No. It is more like, I want to do that. Sure, I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Dean, you’re single and not even dating anyone, why the hell are you thinking about having children?” Well, it’s not that I’m running out trying to find the mom of my kids this weekend. I guess it’s more of a turning point in the way I see myself. This self-discovery of mental maturity has made me realize I just might survive in this crazy mixed-up world. Survive and be happy. With babies.
And here is, who in part, inspired this blog.
My very own niece, Azrealla.
Current mood: fatherly
'nuff said
Okay, as some of you know, my first job was in my local comic book store, Comicmania, when I was 13. I hung out there so much that John (the owner) let me watch the register while he went to lunch or went for meetings (thinking back as to what kind of “meetings” a comic book store owner might have leaves me scratching my head). Then, gradually I began working 6-8 hour shifts. I don’t think I ever got a single bit of cash from that job — I was paid in comics. And when it was slow, I read comics. I read a lot of comics. I was a comic fiend. When I wasn’t reading them, I was (attempting) drawing them. Sitting in that store (where a Yardhouse now sits in downtown Brea) are honestly some of my most treasured memories.
I must say one of the great perks was that I didn’t just work at any ol’ comic store, but I worked at the one local comic book artists went to, like some of the founders of Image. So along the way, I met some truly awesome and inspiring people who I had been idolizing through their printed works. I was 13 and I had the best job in the world.
Anyway, as you can imagine at the time, I wanted comic book movies. I really really really really wanted cool, awesome, fantastic, comic book movies. What did I get? Dolph Lundgren as the Punisher. 1991’s stinkfest that is Captain America. Our one bright star was Batman. And after its success, we finally thought, “alright, bring on the onslaught of awesome comic movies!!!” Then we got Stallon as Judge Dread. And then the Mask with Jim Carry. A slap in the face to all Mask fans. Then Spawn made me doubt my loyalty to Mr. McFarlane who visited our store on occasion. As the last straw? Shaq as Steel – okay shoot me now.
I wanted SPIDER-MAN! I wanted the UNCANNY X-MEN!!! I wanted the FANTASTIC FOUR!!! I wanted the INCREDIBLE HULK!!!! I wanted GHOST RIDER!!!! I wanted WEST COAST AVENGERS!!! Come on Stan Lee give me something to be proud of!!!
Then it happened.
Blade.
I saw it and thought silently as not to jinx it – this could be the turning point. Then, not too long after, I heard the news. News that gave me goosebumps, the same way I’m getting them now just remembering it. It was the late 90s and I read the words: X-Men: The movie.
I waited the next year or so, following closely X-Men‘s production. Everything looked great, but would it be? I went as saw it opening night with my non-comic book friend (yes, that’s how I label you people). Afterward, I felt a sense of satisfaction like no other. Then my roommate woke me from my euphoria, raving about how awesome the movie was. I knew right then more comic movies would be made. And Spider-Man would have to be on that list. I was a kid again.
I’m not going to review every comic movie that came out since. But even with the setbacks (Fantastic Four) I love watching them. I love them because they got made and it appeared they were getting better. Now Spider-Man was a really fun movie. As a huge fan, of course, I had problems with it. The biggest one is freakin’ Toby. I just don’t like him as an actor ― his face bugs me. The second movie was alright but still felt like it was missing something. So my hopes lie with this third film. From what I’ve read and seen, it has the potential to be the best or worst of the three. And I must admit the trailer gave me those all too familiar goosebumps. It also inspired this blog.
Currently reading: Complete Frank Miller Spider-Man by Frank Miller
fortunate son
Every time I try, I fail. Okay maybe not every time, but recently it feels that way. In those times my mind turns to me and says, “Hey buddy, this is normal, people fail. So this is not going to happen. Just sit back and revel in your inconvenience and then move on.”
However, even after these wise words from my subconscious filter to the surface, my overly-stimulated brain still has the momentary flash wherein I feel a little sorry for myself. It’s amazing what a tremendous shot to the ego and self-esteem it is when you lose something as simple as your smile. (It’s also amazing how ugly someone looks without a front tooth and I sort of feel terrible for all those times I took a pen to photos of people in magazines and made them toothless pirates. Okay, not really.)
However (part 2), every time I even start to have the inkling to go, “boohoo poor me!”, something happens. Something happens that makes me realize once again how fortunate I am. The most recent item is simply a documentary. Born into Brothels is the film I want to encourage you all to pick up. I’ve been on sort of a documentary kick these days after rewatching a Thin Blue Line (it’s super goood — watch it), but Brothels really hit me hard. It stopped me, cold in my tracks, forever feeling sorry for myself ever again and it also made me want to really make a difference in people’s lives. I’ve asked the question of myself many times before, “Have I ever really changed someone’s life for the better?” And indirectly, I’m sure most people have. But I want more. I need more.
This film brought the idea to the front of my brain — I could do more, a feeling that I’m supposed to do more. Also, after achieving a few of my life goals this year, I find it high time to make some new ones. So, if you’re looking for a compelling, tragic, interesting, touching, inspiring real film — pick up Born into Brothels.
*Some other great documentaries: Murderball, Grizzly Man, Comedian, Super Size Me, Bowling for Columbine, Fahrenheit 9/11, Dogtown and Z-Boys & Seven Up (the whole Up series actually).
Current mood: determined
Currently watching: Born into Brothels
when i see you smile
24 hours later and I still feel like someone took a baseball bat to the right side of my face. The surgery itself was actually pretty fun, trying to stay awake as they pushed the anesthesia into my IV, talking normally to the nurses and slowly slipping into a gibberish babble and of course the oxygen delivering a feeling of exuberant elation. Later though, the pain settled in and I spent the rest of my day on the couch with an ice pack plastered to my face. As the effects of the anesthesia wore off my equilibrium and coordination were the only things left affected, as I still can’t walk very straight and occasionally run into walls — it’s all actually quite humorous. I’m still in some pain and feel a bit lightheaded, but that could be due to the meds they have me on. Overall, everything went as it should and now I’m on the long road to recovery.
Current mood: uncomfortable
Currently listening: I Megaphone by Imogen Heap
visit europe’s soul mate factories!
So, it seems everyone I know is meeting their soul mates after a seemingly innocent trip to the continent of Europe, which is in fact attached to the continent of Asia. Why did it get to be its own continent?? That’s like us going, hey lets make Canada and everything above it its own continent! Humm.
So, I think I might just go to Europe for a few years so I can start speaking with a cool accent as I await the inevitable meeting of my soul mate because it seems that is where all soul mates reside waiting to pounce upon the right person when they happen by. Okay, truthfully, I can’t afford a trip to Europe quite yet (and I definitely can’t afford a soul mate!).
Random Link:
2016: A Peek at Our Internet Future
Current mood: contemplative
Currently listening: Pump by Aerosmith
real world
I literally cruised into my first day of work as a college graduate this morning. After waking up at 8:30 and taking my time getting ready, I hopped into my convertible, threw the top down, turned up the Animaniacs, and enjoyed the 82 degrees, 15 minute, no traffic drive down the freeway, getting three thumbs up along the way. :] Once at the office, I worked on a myriad of projects, although my focus was a logo for the 15th anniversary of Disneyland resort in Paris. Then, everyone in the office walked to the local French diner where our boss treated us to lunch. At seven, I hopped back in my Chevelle and cruised on home. Once there I worked a bit on a freelancing job for an independent movie my buddy is making. Then I sat down with a beer and some leftover pasta. I must say the worst part of my day was this morning’s discovery that Tony’s Cinnamon Krunchers cereal wasn’t all it was cracked up to be — it tasted terrible. It also left a film inside my mouth that made it virtually inedible. Seriously folks, don’t buy the stuff.
Flashback to last weekend…
My mom and I drove through the middle of the night against time as a baby struggled to enter this world. We were in a race to see who would end up in Vegas first. Alas, the newborn won. She pulled into this world and parked herself next to my sister at 12:20am on Monday — Memorial Day. My niece had been born. And yes, another holiday birthday — I think that now makes five in our family. So, I don’t know how many of you have held a baby that is only a few hours old or one that is less than six pounds, but it’s mentally transforming. What was even more amazing was this feeling that I’ve never felt before, a feeling of unequivocal love for this new little being of life that I am so closely related to. As I held her, I was overwhelmed. And my first thought looking at this helpless baby is that if I feel this way now, I’m going to be a total wreck when I see my first child! So, after two practically sleepless nights, I was tossed onto a peanut-less plane to fly back home, wherein I collapsed and proceeded to sleep for a few days.
On the other side of that side note, thanks to all that helped me celebrate my graduation Saturday night, you guys are the greatest, I had a blast!
Random link: Crystal Cave of the Giants
Current mood: sneezy
Currently listening: Last Action Hero Soundtrack