a future perfect
Recently, I made a promise to seriously focus on my burgeoning career. This is mainly because I have been neglecting and avoiding the reality of my impending graduation. I must say, looking back, the last few years have been a whirlwind of change and growth. Throughout, I’ve had to make many tough choices and discovered myself all over again. The last few months I have been doing some serious soul searching and life contemplation. I’m looking back at my life as a bunch of puzzle pieces that are finally starting to come together and form what will, in the end, become my life.
Now, I am at a most critical crossroads in my career and the decisions I make will determine, in a large part, how the rest of my life will turn out. Therefore, I find myself asking what I ultimately want from this career, from relationships, and from life. I feel I’ve come so far and grown so much, from even as little as a year ago. It’s a scary thought to actually consider yourself an adult and also to accept and undertake the responsibilities that come with the role. As many of you know, this year so far has been a series of struggles that have challenged me to assume more and more the adult role I’ve been shunning. It’s been a long, difficult path, but on the eve of becoming three decades old, I’m truly beginning to see the endless possibilities before me.
Alright, see ya around.
Current mood: optimistic
As for myspace. I’m keeping this page as a placeholder until I return. I’ll still write blogs but after this entry, they will only be accessible if you are my preferred list. Thanks for all the friend requests, if you want to be my friend please submit one, but for now, I’m going to hold off on accepting them. I won’t be checking this account everyday, so if you need to get a hold of me, ask and I’ll give you my new email. Alright, see ya around.
ramblings of an egotistical narcissist
I am constantly amazed by my own existence and every aspect within. Some may perceive this as egotistical. Truthfully, I’m not trying to exaggerate my own importance over anyone else. I just find I am the most readily available person who also has the most insight into myself. I embrace this idea of looking at yourself in the third person; I continuously try and discover and understand why I do, think, and say, the things I do. People’s unbiased opinions of me fascinate me in more than just a narcissistic way. I find that I am my own ultimate science experiment. Everything I do (including writing this) changes peoples’ views and thoughts of me, if only slightly. And in turn, it’s sure to affect me somewhere down the line. I guess I’m just curious, but I find it truly captivating that so many people can view me in so many different ways. If you boil it down, the idea that part of who I am is what other people make me is inescapable. It is a scary thought but your interactions in life will (and have) shape you into who you are and will become. No man is an island as the saying goes. Perhaps not entirely, but we certainly must have to have something that is 100% not tainted by outside influences.
This is why I find myself so interesting; it’s why I love over-thinking my own thoughts and actions and constantly question my reasons. It’s that hopeless search for the one part of me that will finally make sense. It’s that search that I’m in love with along with the whole idea of my existence and the continual process of discovering parts of me that I never knew existed.
Current mood: contemplative
Currently listening: Jar of Flies by Alice in Chains
the tooth and nothing but the truth
You’re special!
I might have 100 or so friends on here (MySpace), but as I started to write this, I began to feel it is something a bit more personal and I didn’t want to share with just anyone. Therefore, if you’re reading this, I picked you out for one reason or another — whether it’s because you subscribe to my blog, you’ve left a comment here once or twice or I just trust you enough with something as personal as this entry. Thanks for reading.
The Tooth and Nothing But the Truth
It happened in a flash. It’s a moment that changed many things. Recalling it opens my mind to the ideas of regret and alternate realities. And that dreaded question that plagues us all from time to time — what if?
I have never really been a sports guy. I remember watching baseball with my dad while playing with Star Wars figures. As I watched the screen, I thought to myself, “How is this better than cartoons?” I guess I never grew out of that. Later in my early teens, I saw something in my favorite store at the time, The Sharper Image, that would change my life. What I saw was a strange, new kind of roller skate. The first Rollerblades had just been released and I was determined to have them. After repeated begging, my parents buckled and I got my black and neon yellow skates. I was ecstatic. Back in 1990, I was probably one of the first people ever to rollerblade to school.
Fast-forward many years later. Hockey. After playing in random parking garages and being kicked out of school tennis courts, my friends and I decided to form a team and join a league. While gathering the hundreds of dollars of appropriate equipment we were told they were currently out of helmet cages that protect the face. So, I played without a cage, as did the majority of my team. What happened on the fourth game of our first season shattered me in more ways than one. I remember sliding in to steal the puck and noticing that I was a few seconds too late. His hockey stick was already cocked and on its way down from a powerful slap shot. Then there was an explosion. I regained my thoughts enough to know I was alone laying on my side. My first thought was something wasn’t right with my face. Then I saw them – tiny white pieces scattered on the floor — I recognized them for what they were and would never be again. Immediately I put a hand to my mouth to discover my smile was no longer.
My two front teeth were destroyed. After 7 years of bone graft surgery, root canals, temporary fake teeth, a mismatching crown setback, braces for the second time, crowns falling out, loose teeth, multiple retainers, thousands of dollars, oodles of pain, and the most terrible of nightmares — it’s still not over. Today I met again with my oral surgeon and looks like my original root is either cracked or dying. My tooth has to be completely replaced. I thought I was prepared to hear this, but when he told me, I was devastated. It feels like I’m back to square one. So beginning in June, the months of multiple doctor visits, surgeries, and worry begin all over again. I feel a bit selfish feeling so down about this when so many others have much worse problems. I guess I just hoped this was all behind me. So if all goes well, by Christmas I’ll have my two front teeth. haha. (sigh)
This Essay Breaks the Law
This Essay Breaks the Law
By Michael Crichton
Published: March 19, 2006
The Earth revolves around the Sun.
The speed of light is a constant.
Apples fall to earth because of gravity.
Elevated blood sugar is linked to diabetes.
Elevated uric acid is linked to gout.
Elevated homocysteine is linked to heart disease.
Elevated homocysteine is linked to B-12 deficiency, so doctors should test homocysteine levels to see whether the patient needs vitamins.
ACTUALLY, I can’t make that last statement. A corporation has patented that fact, and demands a royalty for its use. Anyone who makes the fact public and encourages doctors to test for the condition and treat it can be sued for royalty fees. Any doctor who reads a patient’s test results and even thinks of vitamin deficiency infringes the patent. A federal circuit court held that mere thinking violates the patent.
All this may sound absurd, but it is the heart of a case that will be argued before the Supreme Court on Tuesday. In 1986 researchers filed a patent application for a method of testing the levels of homocysteine, an amino acid, in the blood. They went one step further and asked for a patent on the basic biological relationship between homocysteine and vitamin deficiency. A patent was granted that covered both the test and the scientific fact. Eventually, a company called Metabolite took over the license for the patent.
Although Metabolite does not have a monopoly on test methods other companies make homocysteine tests, too they assert licensing rights on the correlation of elevated homocysteine with vitamin deficiency. A company called LabCorp used a different test but published an article mentioning the patented fact. Metabolite sued on a number of grounds, and has won in court so far.
But what the Supreme Court will focus on is the nature of the claimed correlation. On the one hand, courts have repeatedly held that basic bodily processes and “products of nature” are not patentable. That’s why no one owns gravity, or the speed of light. But at the same time, courts have granted so-called correlation patents for many years. Powerful forces are arrayed on both sides of the issue.
In addition, there is the rather bizarre question of whether simply thinking about a patented fact infringes the patent. The idea smacks of thought control, to say nothing of unenforceability. It seems like something out of a novel by Philip K. Dick or Kafka. But it highlights the uncomfortable truth that the Patent Office and the courts have in recent decades ruled themselves into a corner from which they must somehow extricate themselves.
For example, the human genome exists in every one of us, and is therefore our shared heritage and an undoubted fact of nature. Nevertheless 20 percent of the genome is now privately owned. The gene for diabetes is owned, and its owner has something to say about any research you do, and what it will cost you. The entire genome of the hepatitis C virus is owned by a biotech company. Royalty costs now influence the direction of research in basic diseases, and often even the testing for diseases. Such barriers to medical testing and research are not in the public interest. Do you want to be told by your doctor, “Oh, nobody studies your disease any more because the owner of the gene/enzyme/correlation has made it too expensive to do research?”
The question of whether basic truths of nature can be owned ought not to be confused with concerns about how we pay for biotech development, whether we will have drugs in the future, and so on. If you invent a new test, you may patent it and sell it for as much as you can, if that’s your goal. Companies can certainly own a test they have invented. But they should not own the disease itself, or the gene that causes the disease, or essential underlying facts about the disease. The distinction is not difficult, even though patent lawyers attempt to blur it. And even if correlation patents have been granted, the overwhelming majority of medical correlations, including those listed above, are not owned. And shouldn’t be.
Unfortunately for the public, the Metabolite case is only one example of a much broader patent problem in this country. We grant patents at a level of abstraction that is unwise, and it’s gotten us into trouble in the past. Some years back, doctors were allowed to patent surgical procedures and sue other doctors who used their methods without paying a fee. A blizzard of lawsuits followed. This unhealthy circumstance was halted in 1996 by the American Medical Association and Congress, which decided that doctors couldn’t sue other doctors for using patented surgical procedures. But the beat goes on.
Companies have patented their method of hiring, and real estate agents have patented the way they sell houses. Lawyers now advise athletes to patent their sports moves, and screenwriters to patent their movie plots. (My screenplay for “Jurassic Park” was cited as a good candidate.)
Where does all this lead? It means that if a real estate agent lists a house for sale, he can be sued because an existing patent for selling houses includes item No. 7, “List the house.” It means that Kobe Bryant may serve as an inspiration but not a model, because nobody can imitate him without fines. It means nobody can write a dinosaur story because my patent includes 257 items covering all aspects of behavior, like item No. 13, “Dinosaurs attack humans and other dinosaurs.”
Such a situation is idiotic, of course. Yet elements of it already exist. And unless we begin to turn this around, there will be worse to come.
I wanted to end this essay by telling a story about how current rulings hurt us, but the patent for “ending an essay with an anecdote” is owned. So I thought to end with a quotation from a famous person, but that strategy is patented, too. I then decided to end abruptly, but “abrupt ending for dramatic effect” is also patented. Finally, I decided to pay the “end with summary” patent fee, since it was the least expensive.
The Supreme Court should rule against Metabolite, and the Patent Office should begin to reverse its strategy of patenting strategies. Basic truths of nature can’t be owned.
Oh, and by the way: I own the patent for “essay or letter criticizing a previous publication.” So anyone who criticizes what I have said here had better pay a royalty first, or I’ll see you in court.
***
love. at any cost.
The Constant Gardener, 2005
After watching this film I read a few reviews. I found these words echoed my own thoughts and insights.
The central metaphor of the film is that of the constant (faithful) gardener, the man who tends to his own world and excludes the tragedy of real life outside the lush and perfect walls of his own creations. It’s a self-defense he practices until sordid tragedy breaks through. And the realization of the gardener is that he doesn’t know, and can never know, what others are experiencing. He is naive, secluded, pristine, innocent. He is lovable and loved, but protected and childlike. His question is how to play a meaningful role, and effect a cosmic solution. And in the gray, drab superficial society of London, there is no answer. In the barren, unforgiving landscape of Africa there is only torture and death. When understood as metaphor, this is not a sappy love story; it is a bleak and uncompromising depiction of the ugly realities of the world. And the constant gardener has only dreams — of the perfect garden and the perfect lover. Neither of these illusions are real, and neither offer any solutions to the grim realities of the world in which we live. Beautiful imagery and wonderful cinematography. Highly recommended.
Current mood: inspired
Currently watching: The Constant Gardener
we used to be friends
Friends — People who know you really well and still like you. These are the people you willingly invite into your lives to share with them your greatest gift — yourself. Many say there is nothing in the world greater than a true friend. The act of gaining new friends is relatively easy, however, losing a friend that you once considered close and irreplaceable is a strange and sad process. Sometimes the loss is a gradual deterioration similar to a friendship that just gets stronger over time. And other times it’s quick. When this occurs and before you even know what’s happening, you’ve lost a part of yourself. Either way, not only do you lose someone you once trusted and relied on, but often there is a lingering question of why? Now, everyone wants to believe that they are the best person they can be — the best friend, the best boyfriend, the best son. I have found it’s only when you see friends drift off, never to talk to you again, does something click inside telling you, maybe you are not the best, because if you were, they would never have let you go. Sometimes you try to rationalize the fact that you did the best you could or perhaps they have changed. Somewhere though, no matter who they are, it hurts that they gave you up. My main question though is why we lose friends that we once considered essential to our lives. And I have no answer. Well, besides the obvious ones — lies, betrayal, and capital murder. However, that’s not what’s on my mind. I’m thinking about the ones that slowly tiptoe out the side door of your life. Why do we let them go and why didn’t they hang on?
I’ve lived a life where I’ve drifted from one group of friends to another. I keep in touch with the friends I care to and sometimes, despite my best efforts some still fall away. Now, however, thanks to this site, some friends once lost, are finding their way back. These friends materializing in the form of a personal web page asking if I would be their friend again is what sparked this stream of consciousness writing session. What makes people stay friends, why do people stop being friends, and now, why do some want back in?
It fascinates me why people tend to drift in and out of our lives. Does it take so little to keep in touch? To maintain that connection? What is a friend? How do we label or rate our friends? How many people do I trust with my life? How many friends can I count on for anything? Can you have too many friends? Is there a limit to how many friendship you can maintain? I’ve always believed in the idea that you could never have enough friends. Then I look at how many people that I have let into my life and trust unconditionally and then wonder why that number isn’t higher.
Thanks to Curtis for the “stream of consciousness” journal idea.
“Somehow, the conversation mentioned your name and someone asked if I knew you. Looking away I thought of all the times we had together; sharing laughter, tears, jokes, and tons more. And then, without explanation, you were gone. I looked to where they were waiting for an answer, and then said softly, ‘Once…I thought I did.”
—unknown
“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Current mood: contemplative / melancholy / hopeful
beware bonobos taking over the world
There is something nostalgic about the phrase, “first day of school”. For me it brings back exciting memories of reuniting with friends after a summer long absence, mom taking pictures, and meeting my new teachers. The reality of my pending graduation finally hit me today when I realized that this was my last first day of school. Nothing too eventful happened in class except for the heightened awareness that I’ll never again have that rush of excitement when you discover who is in your class for the first time or the monotony of the teacher reading over the syllabus word for word. It’s strange, I’ve been in school longer than anyone I know and as much as I’m ready to move on, I’m truly going to miss it. A lot of it, I believe, is the fact I feel like every semester I learn so much and grow tremendously as a person. I guess I am just a little scared that might end. School forces you to learn, and it has continually forced me to be creative and expand on that creativity to levels I would never have thought possible. I don’t have a whole lot of creative friends, so I’m a bit worried I am going to lose that spark. I read once that if an artist’s painting is never seen by anyone then it cannot be called art. Art must be seen in a social context. It’s this context that I need; I need to be involved with creative people in order to jump-start my own creativity. This semester I am involved in a fine art video class and it should prove a fitting finale to my long and prestigious list of fine art courses that I’ve taken over the years. In class today, as I watched films from previous students, I was amazed at how talented they were. It inspired me as I secretly thought how I could do something better. It also made me think about the last movie I saw and how disappointed I was with it.
Woody Allen. I’ve always found him fascinating and love him or hate him, he makes movies like nobody else. So, needless to say, I was very excited when going to see his newest creation, Match Point. It was unlike any Woody Allen film I have ever seen. He does not star in it, it does not take place in New York, and it is not even slightly comedic. Of course, none of that bothered me. I try to never have any expectations when watching a movie. Match Point, I’ll admit, is beautifully shot and did have a few great lines that were without a doubt, pure Woody. That said, the characters are never very likable and I couldn’t care less when bad things happened to them. The acting is a smidge above average with one of my favorites, lil miss Johansson, whose character, due to some shoddy writing, is completely unbelievable. I’m not saying this is a terrible movie, but I felt the writing fell a little short. And the worst part is that it has such a great central theme about how chance and luck are what make up the events in life and that sometimes the bad guys get away with it or true love is lost because you left one minute too late. Everything happens for a reason. And that reason is chance.
I must say that phrase, “Everything happens for a reason” seems to be stalking me. And what is worse is, I hate it immensely. I hate it primarily because it makes no sense. Of course, things happen for a reason! How else would things happen? But I understand, people really mean things happened because things were meant to turn out this way. Or almost as bad is the phrase, “Everything turned out for the best.” Okay, I’m totally an optimist, but even I know that neither of these things are true! This is just brainwashing yourself into thinking you made the right decision and the only reason you would need to do that is if you need to delude yourself. It’s only one sidestep away from believing in fate, where you take no responsibility for your actions. Ah, people, you are where you are because of three things, decisions you’ve made, decisions that others have made, and natural occurrences. Of course, this is just my opinion and according to some guy at school today, I’m going to hell.
Well, I might be going to hell, but in the meantime, I’m living out a ’70s sitcom right here in my own house. Yup, call me Jack Tripper! I just recruited my new roommate all the way from the not so island-like Rhode Island. She’s a great addition to the house and I must say it’s strange having people back in the house again after almost a month all by my lonesome.
In other (trivial) news:
My new cell phone is spectacular and I received my first few text messages, took my first cell phone pictures, and discovered I own the trendiest cell phone on the planet. I don’t care though because I’ll still have it when it is the most outdated one too.
Chinese New Year was the other day and I celebrated it by not going to the gym. I also discovered why there are so many Chinese wandering the earth. It goes a little like this. A red envelope contains money. In the new year, married people have to give these red envelopes to single people. In order to not lose money on this transition, it is in their best interests to start poppin’ out kids as soon as possible so they can start collecting money. This whole thing just promotes baby-making! And that’s why the Chinese are going to take over the world. Unless the bonobos do it first.
I saw Kingdom of Heaven. My review goes like this: Don’t see it.
I blame Orlando Bloom entirely for this review.
I have a problem with the grocery store. It irks me to buy stuff at regular price when last week it was on sale. Especially when I know that it is going to be on sale next week or perhaps tomorrow. And it’s always the same stuff! So now I refuse to buy stuff unless it is on sale, it makes shopping kind of interesting, I never know what I’m going to buy.
It’s been 20 years since I saw the Challenger blow up with the rest of my schoolmates and I just ran across this article written by James Oberg, a NASA Mission Control operator, and an orbital designer. A very interesting read.
Lastly, the box that holds all the memorabilia of my life is almost full. For some reason this made me think about my upcoming birthday which made me think about my entire life which made me think about how I remember my entire life which made me think about a book. Specifically, how life is like a book and how we can divide our lives into chapters where major changes and events lead to a new… ummm chapter. Anyway, I only mention this because I feel I’m in transition and don’t really know if this is the end of one chapter or the beginning of a new one. I guess we’ll just wait and see.
“Take me to the magic of the moment on a glory night; Where the children of tomorrow dream away in the wind of change; Walking down the street distant memories are buried in the past forever.”
—Scorpions (Wind of Change)
“Every person you encounter, whom you interact with, is there to teach you something. Sometimes it may be years before you realize what each has to show you.”
—Raymond E. Feist (Rise of a Merchant Prince)
Current mood: pensive
Currently listening: A Life Less Ordinary Soundtrack
24
HOLY CRAP!
If there was any doubt in my mind that 24 is the greatest action TV show ever in the history of TV shows, the season premiere of this new season obliterated them!!! It was UNBELIEVABLE! Torturous as it was, I didn’t watch Sunday nights two hours so I could watch all four hours tonight! Although, I made a terrible mistake.
Today at lunch I was feeling a bit tired, so I ordered a Mountain Dew. I refilled it three times. (people that know me are shaking their heads right now.) I felt better afterward and work flew by. I assumed I was okay. Then I sat down and started watching 24. The caffeine along with the non-stop AWESOMENESS of watching FOUR HOURS OF NEW 24 almost killed me. I was shaking like crazy, my heart was about to explode from my chest, I was yelling and cheering the entire time! It was pure euphoric intoxication!!! If you’ve never seen 24, I probably seem like a lunatic, so go rent season one and prepare yourself for an amazing ride!!! Long live Kiefer.
“My name’s not Frank. It’s Jack Bauer.”
—24
Current mood: bouncy / crazy / ecstatic / hyper / nostalgic
Currently listening: Rocky Horror Picture Show: 25 Years of Absolute Pleasure
01-14-06
It always comes as a surprise. It seems I always forget about it until it’s upon me. Today is an anniversary of sorts. Of what, it matters not. What is important is it’s the one day of the year I judge myself. It’s the one day of the year, for ten years now, that I make damn sure I write in my journal. It’s a day of reflection. A day of planning. A day of change.
“I’m keeping this diary as proof that these events are real.
I know they are…They have to be.”—Nowhere Man
“Hope is the food of faith, the staff of life. When we don’t allow ourselves to hope, we don’t allow ourselves to have purpose. Without purpose, without meaning, life is dark. We’ve no light inside and were just living to die.”
—From the Corner of His Eye
Current mood: hopeful
I cut myself shaving today
“I cut myself shaving today”, I wrote as I wondered who really would care to read about it. What makes a person sit down and write about themselves? There is a bit of arrogance in writing this and placing it online for people to read. Personally, my writing here is a bit of a challenge for me. I have been writing in a journal for years strictly for Dean’s eyes only and honestly I would suggest it for everyone. There is a certain freedom when you realize there is no one to bullshit, no one to lie to except yourself, and freedom to write anything you want.
As I said, writing for an audience (as small as mine might be) is quite different. Especially when everyone reading this probably knows me in some fashion and in different ways. I find that I stay away from certain subjects and personal issues that I save for my unpublished personal journal. Even on some of the subjects I do write about, I tend to censor myself and I definitely pay more attention to readability and sentence structure. I don’t like that I do this, but I often find it in the best interests of everyone.
I cut myself shaving today. The shower has always been my sanctuary. Alone and naked with the white noise of the water bouncing off me as it creates a place of great serenity. This is a place I can focus and think. Sometimes about nothing and sometimes too much. I often lose track of time, zone out, and get lost in thought. Today, my thoughts drifted to artists. I focused then on whether I still consider myself an artist. Then I decided that it comes down to the act of creation and my lack of it recently. I don’t believe a graphic designer alone can truly be called an artist. So, again as a barrage of water washes away the dirt, the soap, and the world, my thoughts drift to the act of writing. And what compels me to sit in front of a computer and write. As I contemplated this, I lose focus and I cut myself.
As I bled, transfixed at the crimson water swirling down the drain, my mind slipped away. I realized that writing is just another creative outlet, a way for me to breathe life into nothing. There is a certain satisfaction in creating, no matter what it may be. Writing also helps me focus my thoughts and ideas while also giving me a place to look back and defend decisions I might later question. Also, my memories have always had a way of slipping from my mind faster than most. It’s a very isolating feeling when a majority of your past is lost and a little bit more slips away each day. One way I’ve found to hang on to my past has been to write about it.
As I exited the sanctity of my shower, I thought I should write about what I was thinking. Then I was sidetracked. Ironically enough it was a memory from the past that ended up following me most of the day. Then, I finally got in front of the computer to write. I told myself I should write about this memory and put it to rest. Instead, you got this.
”Strange, the view from here
Words we spoke, forgotten at the time
Now replay in my mind
What went wrong, what was right”—Queensryche
”Forget regret or life is yours to miss.”
—Rent
Current mood: displaced
Currently listening: Rent by Cast Recording