journal
I’m Dean and I write stuff about my life.
Here before you lies year’s worth of my most private, innermost thoughts, sanitized for public consumption.
It’s comprised of many things, a journal, travel exploits, random thoughts, introspective exploration, ultimately an examined life, and an attempt to chronicle it until its purpose is simply a memorial.
So, feel free to explore a sea of my personal blabbering, bombastic grandiloquence, and rhapsodic prose.
A Stoic Pep Talk
March 25, 2021
I cannot stress my belief in how important it is to understand our goals, priorities, expectations, and desires. Or GPEDs for short. To know our perfect work/play balance. To wrangle one's fear of missing out.
Singular
March 19, 2021
With a relationship ended. I fall back into that aching comfortability. I've been single roughly 80% of my life from age 18 until now. That's a lot of alone time to think about why. And many have asked through the years, Why are you single? Perhaps it's time I explored that.
Synergistic Balancing
December 10, 2020
Growing up I always thought relationships could be complicated, but they didn't need to be.
Normal Lovey Dovey Stuff
October 19, 2020
It doesn’t quite feel like reality yet. The night I met her, I was stunned. And I’m just now shaking off the effects.
I’ll miss you, mom
August 3, 2020
My mom lives on within me and I can never thank her enough. With every breath, I'll always be her little boy trying to make her proud.
A Grokking
January 21, 2020
I had a thought about how special it is to be a conscious creature — to be so aware that I’m aware of being aware and how much I’m aware of that.
Somber Days
January 4, 2020
Last year, I didn’t receive a birthday card from my mom for the first time. No "Happy Birthday, my sweet Turkey!" or "Gobble, Gobble up your special day!" in an elaborately hand-constructed, multi-folding, pop-up birthday card.
Permanently Crushed
February 27, 2019
I slammed into the curb, instantly flipping my car onto its passenger side. Still going well over 30 miles per hour, I helplessly slid a many car lengths down the sidewalk, only stopping because my car slammed in between an electrical post and a light post.
A Rare Shoulder
February 25, 2019
Perhaps, this isn’t clear, perhaps it never was, I choose this void of emptiness while embracing the ache of loneliness, over the alternative: an average relationship.
Dean Runs Away – Week Seven
July 7, 2018
Week seven of my solo road trip! The return! Vancouver to Southern California!
Dean Runs Away – Week Six
July 4, 2018
Week six of my solo road trip! Astoria, Cannon Beach, Seattle, Vancouver, and more!
Dean Runs Away – Week Five
June 27, 2018
Week five of my solo road trip! Portland, Olympia, the Deschutes River, and more!
Dean Runs Away – Week Three
June 13, 2018
Week three of my solo road trip! San Francisco, Elk, Mendocino, Oregon, and more!
Dean Runs Away – Week Two
June 6, 2018
Week two of my solo road trip! Santa Cruz, Davenport, Berkeley, San Francisco, and more!
Dean Runs Away – Week One
May 30, 2018
Week one of my solo road trip! Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo, Morro Bay, Paso Robles, Monterey and more!
01-14-17
January 14, 2017
Last year's project fell flat after a fantastic beginning with a trip across the country that spawned no other ventures. That intriguing, yet odd companion I discovered in New York had an aura about her that was very seductive, but I came to discover there was also a harshness and bitterness underneath it all.
The Companion
January 27, 2016
I met a woman while in New York. She's different. My first impressions were she was immature, superficial, yet intelligent and cunning. But there was something more, waiting to be uncovered...
The Long and Winding Road
December 25, 2015
Life is only now. How we spend our lives is minute to minute. What do we desire from it? A living reality or a conceptualized one?
in Las Vegas, Nevada
June 6, 2015
Day 1: Driving through the nothingness with my mom. Randall Flagg. Playing carnivorous littlest pet shop with my niece. Toys R Us. Gambling with Adam West's Batman's money.
The End of Syn
September 4, 2014
Four years ago I tore off a part of me, threw it down on a page and began forging it into a unique creature. I was a god among gods.
This Mo Be Slow!
March 17, 2014
On December 28th, 2013 there was a shift in time and for a few wondrous minutes the entire world moved at half speed (and occasionally backwards). It was glorious.
The Invitation
October 18, 2012
A long time ago a very sweet girl introduced me to this poem. It found its way back to me and I'd like to share it here.
Next year’s Project 365
December 20, 2011
My 2012 project is now decided. Inspired by my friend Charlie and his The B-roll project, this next year I'm taking the jumper cables to the right-side of my brain and creating something every week...
Zero to Hero Comics
October 25, 2011
It was a dark time for comic book stores. Those which had not already closed were undergoing a slow death.
melange of the expired
September 29, 2011
...so I sat down and began to create some art. This is what spilled out of my head.
I AM A ROBOT! – Art Participation
August 24, 2011
I need your help. I need YOU to draw a robot! Take 5 seconds, take 5 weeks. Create a robot from your imagination or draw your favorite from fiction.
I was a god
July 28, 2011
In a world where video games have become hyper-realistic and intensely intricate, where your emaciated imagination slowly withers from lack of use, there is a glimmer of hope...
Ode to Man in Sea
September 8, 2010
Stirring before your curious posture, is a world. You know it well enough. You have long recognized it, defined it, explored it, and loved it. Dear, you held it close and manipulated it.
setting the bar
December 27, 2009
What is the meaning of life? To everyone comes a different answer. Life, a gift. A gift so complex, so vast and beautiful most spend most of their lives just trying to figure it out.
Expression = Impression
August 22, 2009
Everyone needs an outlet to express themselves; to emancipate our ideas, emotions, and desires. How we do this and the means in which it is interpreted will inevitably define us.
swimming through space
November 11, 2008
So I went to the Fish in the Pond — A String Theory Discussion Lecture at Claremont Museum of Art yesterday afternoon.
renew, reuse, rethink
August 1, 2008
More and more evidence seems mounted against recycling. I have to admit, I was a bit shocked to find out this discussion has been going on for years and I’ve only now heard of it.
lighthearted stress
July 18, 2008
I have been away — mentally, physically, and virtually. I have let my daily photographs become the vehicle wherein I illustrate my thoughts and feelings.
there’s only one me and I’m stuck with him
January 2, 2008
Years fly by in a maelstrom of change and as I ride alongside of it, I continue to uphold the agreement I have with time to continue to metamorphosis into someone I never was and will never be again.
unbeknownst
November 1, 2007
Unbeknownst to most at the time, there is always a singularity of moment, of change that alters one's life so completely that a chapter ends and gives rise to another.
changing of the guard
October 25, 2007
Identity. I seem to come back to this idea a lot. This time I come back to it pissed off.
the ecstasy of influence
March 20, 2007
I was introduced to Jonathan Lethem at my desk while I sat in my office casually listening to my morning podcasts while gleefully doing what others refer to as “work.”
the worthiness of friendship
March 10, 2007
Our time is valuable. Our choices are our own and its derivative is the weight we bear. Lesser ideas, aspirations, jobs…and people have no place but to fall aside for what we deem more important.
all smiles
March 6, 2007
This week is evolving into one of the best in a long while. On top of everything, tomorrow I become truly whole again.
not quite a movie review
February 19, 2007
I usually don’t like movies that are based around adultery or cheating. They are usually disturbing, contrived, and generally in poor taste.
ba ba da da, take a look at my weekend
February 6, 2007
I can finally move my head and look left. This weekend involved some tempestuous activities that left me broken. I was not alone in this.
one day, one room
February 1, 2007
Sometimes I watch television and it’s like a glass of wine. A beautiful moment savored, memorable in the here and now but forgotten soon after.
skool redux: the last crusade
January 10, 2007
my wednesday night. back at skool. one last time. with an awesome mech pencil and triskets.
skool redux strikes back
January 9, 2007
my tuesday night. back at skool. again. with an awesome mech pencil.
not an empty page
December 28, 2006
I should be having a glass of water heading for bed. But, sometimes in those crucial seconds, before you commit yourself to do something, somewhere, something clicks…and so I’m here.
What is Happiness?
December 17, 2006
What is Happiness? Can you create your own happiness? What are life’s ambitions? What does it mean to live a fulfilled life? Is happiness creating happiness for others? What does it mean to love someone? What does it all mean?
critical mass
December 12, 2006
I saw my youth slowly fade from my reflection this weekend. Although, if I had been looking closer I would have seen it long ago, this feeling of getting old creeping up from nowhere and settling in my bones.
depression / elation
November 2, 2006
I ended my relationship with painkillers today. Our breakup was not unlike those of previous romances — it was sad, we had our tearful goodbyes and then we went our separate ways.
Stupid Teenagers Must Die!
October 27, 2006
The most highly acclaimed independent film of the decade! Well perhaps acclaimed isn’t the right word.
drugs, nora jones, and bonobos
October 25, 2006
I’m on drugs. Listening to Norah Jones. So. This won't be very coherent. Because of the drugs, not Norah Jones.
tooth and consequences
October 23, 2006
I handle stress well. In fact, I thrive in it. Knowing that what I do has an impact on other's lives especially my own makes me want to work hard at it.
postcards from a volcano
September 7, 2006
I woke Monday morning with no vacation plans at all. So, as chance befalls chance, by the time my head touched a pillow again I had purchased a round trip ticket to Maui.
crushed — part 2
August 20, 2006
You see, I own a car. This October I will have owned it ten years. But it's more than “just a car.”
crushed — part 1
August 20, 2006
everything happens. not for any reason, in particular, it just does. such is life.
a loss bound with hope
August 6, 2006
How does one know they are getting older. How does one know they are an adult. How does time play tricks on us.
im working with johnny depp
July 26, 2006
I haven’t talked a lot about my current job here and that’s a shame, because I absolutely love it. Although, the nostalgia of past jobs and the years and years and years of college has already set in.
Rent at the Pantages
July 22, 2006
I’ve never had the opportunity to experience a Broadway show before. Tonight I rectified that.
what is art?
July 19, 2006
I received this comment today and got really excited. I immediately sat down and typed the first thing that popped into my mind. Here it is…
I’m a DAD!
July 6, 2006
Well okay, not literally. Not even figuratively. More like spiritually. You see, all my life I’ve been baby deprived. Quite simply no one I knew, not family nor friends, had babies.
’nuff said
June 28, 2006
Okay, as some of you know, my first job was in my local comic book store, Comicmania, when I was 13.
fortunate son
June 16, 2006
Every time I try, I fail. Okay maybe not every time, but recently it feels that way. In those times my mind turns to me and says, “Hey buddy, this is normal, people fail...
when i see you smile
June 6, 2006
24 hours later and I still feel like someone took a baseball bat to the right side of my face.
visit europe’s soul mate factories!
June 3, 2006
So, it seems everyone I know is meeting their soul mates after a seemingly innocent trip to the continent of Europe, which is in fact attached to the continent of Asia.
real world
June 2, 2006
I literally cruised into my first day of work as a college graduate this morning.
one more baby in the mix
May 28, 2006
Bored and lonely after almost nine months, it looks like my baby sister’s baby has decided it is time to come on out and meet everyone.
the great gig in the sky
May 10, 2006
As some of you know, I’ve dedicated a lot of time to a project for a real client that my professor handed off to all his upper-level classes. The idea was to provide this client with a barrage of different styles and designs to choose from.
battle and cuteness before the befuddleness
May 7, 2006
I went over to my friend's for a Cinco de Mayo fiesta extravaganza…and before taking shots of cheap 50-year-old tequila, drinking a dozen redbull/vodkas, and staying up until dawn having drunken philosophical discussions, I took some pictures with my phone. Including an epic battle…
welcoming the end
May 3, 2006
I’m fried. I had hoped I would have lasted longer. However, with two real weeks left of classes and two huge projects looming over my head, I’ve simply run out of juice.
the girl I’m going to marry, the twilight zone & heavy drinking
May 2, 2006
The girl I’m going to marry doesn’t exist. It might sound like a harsh statement and like everything, my attitude and thoughts on the subject are always changing.
10 reasons to eat local food
April 22, 2006
An article that I ran across a few days ago; which is strange because by happenstance, earlier this week, I found myself in Downtown Fullerton at the local Farmers’ Market.
brain hurted
April 16, 2006
Headaches have been something that occasionally crept up on me every few months and then after a Tylenol or two, they would go back into hibernation. I always found it curious when people complained about constant migraines and having headaches every day.
persona lost
April 14, 2006
I raise the axe above my head as the rain that beats down on me intensifies. Exhaling, I let gravity and my muscles take over.
a future perfect
April 11, 2006
Recently, I made a promise to seriously focus on my burgeoning career. This is mainly because I have been neglecting and avoiding the reality of my impending graduation.
ramblings of an egotistical narcissist
March 24, 2006
I am constantly amazed by my own existence and every aspect within. Some may perceive this as egotistical. Truthfully, I’m not trying to exaggerate my own importance over anyone else. I just find I am the most readily available person who also has the most insight on myself.
the tooth and nothing but the truth
March 22, 2006
It happened in a flash. It’s a moment that changed many things. Recalling it opens my mind to the ideas of regret and alternate realities. And that dreaded question that plagues us all from time to time — what if?
This Essay Breaks the Law
March 21, 2006
Companies have patented their method of hiring, and real estate agents have patented the way they sell houses. Lawyers now advise athletes to patent their sports moves, and screenwriters to patent their movie plots.
we used to be friends
February 13, 2006
Friends — People who know you really well and still like you. These are the people you willingly invite into your lives to share with them your greatest gift — yourself.
beware bonobos taking over the world
January 30, 2006
There is something nostalgic about the phrase, "first day of school". For me it brings back exciting memories of reuniting with friends after a summer-long absence, mom taking pictures, and meeting my new teachers.
I cut myself shaving today
January 10, 2006
What makes a person sit down and write about themselves? There is a bit of arrogance in writing this and placing it online for people to read. Personally, my writing here is a bit of a challenge for me.
shameless gloating
January 5, 2006
Wooohoooo! Somehow I managed to pull off straight As this semester! I guess all my sleepless nights paid off.
love lost is love found
December 24, 2005
Today, I discovered how much I missed a lost love. I believe that love stripped down to its core is sacrifice. When you feel strongly about something, you make sacrifices for it.
a birthday, a bar, and friends
November 24, 2005
29 years ago, I popped into this world-changing countless lives for better and for worse. I ask you to join me in a drink to celebrate our pasts and rejoice in the here and now!
an announcement
November 16, 2005
It seems this time next year I’ll be an uncle. My sister made the announcement tonight and I must say that it left me feeling a bit bewildered, confused, and pensive.
gifts of giving
November 16, 2005
There is nothing like eating sausage & beans and drinking a beer while watching TV in my pjs to make me really feel like a bachelor. But bachelor life isn’t the subject of this entry, I got my first birthday gift!!!!
hulk hogan for president!
November 7, 2005
Wow! How special am I? Both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Warren Beatty called me today! They wanted to tell little ol’ me to vote! And of course, I will, because the future of the world depends on it.
books = good
October 18, 2005
I’ve sat through many nights so engrossed in a novel that time virtually disappears. However, one author, in particular, transports me utterly and completely beyond all others.
nowhere man
September 28, 2005
Uuuuh. The lack of sleep combined with six hours of inhaling developer, fix and stop has made deano beano quite queasy.
budgets, finance, and getting rich slowly
May 15, 2005
For some of you, this might be the most boring article ever.
identity: the video
April 23, 2005
Video: A glimpse into what creates our individual identities. How what we wear, the way we cut our hair, our facial expressions, and everything else about our outwardly appearance is perceived and can never truly express who we really are.
identity: my brainstorm for a self-portrait video
April 22, 2005
My random thoughts spewed onto the virtual page in order to hone in on an idea for a self-portrait video.
my girlfriend loves swiss rolls more than she loves me
March 29, 2005
Who can blame her? They're delicious!
a failing mind
September 21, 2004
Sometimes I just hate talking. I’ll think of something to say and yet when I go to speak it, I’ll babble out some nonsense along with the occasional slurring and stuttering before I can get out my disjointed thought.
everyone wants to believe they are special
August 29, 2004
Everyone wants to believe they are special. Everyone wants to be different. Contrary to this, many strive to conform and struggle to be accepted.
running away, gangs, and dancing
August 22, 2004
It all started when I ran away from home. I was five years old. Almost six. I lived in a simple, nice, yet thug-ish city in LA. Not that I ever noticed. I was a bright kid and had the street smarts needed to survive. Playing on the streets of LA makes you grow up fast, one wrong move and you’re toast.
Five years from today you will be dead
June 15, 2004
Disbelief, helplessness, and despair all flood my mind faster than I can comprehend what it all really means, and the impact it will ultimately have on my life.
10 Principles for Success
April 18, 2004
Everything that happens to us is a direct result of the choices we make. You choose to act or procrastinate, believe or doubt, help or hinder, succeed, or fail.